diff --git a/.github/workflows/bincheck.yml b/.github/workflows/bincheck.yml
index 3ad78a4b0ade..41675c21c87b 100644
--- a/.github/workflows/bincheck.yml
+++ b/.github/workflows/bincheck.yml
@@ -13,7 +13,6 @@ jobs:
     runs-on: ubuntu-latest
     steps:
     - uses: actions/checkout@v3
-    - run: sudo apt-get update && sudo apt-get install -y qemu-system-x86
     - run: cd build/release/bincheck && ./test-linux ${{ github.ref_name }} ${{ github.sha }}
 
   darwin:
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/README.md b/build/release/bincheck/README.md
index 775ca7a3bb23..84a6391b0726 100644
--- a/build/release/bincheck/README.md
+++ b/build/release/bincheck/README.md
@@ -10,58 +10,3 @@ sanity checks are:
 
 bincheck action is triggered when a new tag with `v` prefix is created. Check
 https://github.com/cockroachdb/cockroach/actions after a release is published.
-
-
-## The nitty-gritty
-
-### Overview
-
-For the MacOS and Windows binaries, the mechanics involved are simple. We ask
-GitHub Actions to spin us up a MacOS or Windows runner, download the
-appropriate pre-built `cockroach` binary, and run our sanity checks.
-
-Linux is more complicated, not out of necessity, but out of ambition. We co-opt
-the Linux verification step to additionally test support for pre-SSE4.2
-CPUs<sup>†</sup>. This requires emulating such a CPU, and Linux is the only
-operating system that is feasible to run under emulation. Windows and MacOS have
-prohibitively slow boot times, and, perhaps more importantly, Windows and MacOS
-install media are not freely available.
-
-So, with the help of [Buildroot], an embedded Linux build manager, this
-repository ships an [8.7MB Linux distribution][linux-image] that's capable of
-running under [QEMU] and launching our pre-built CockroachDB binaries. To verify
-the Linux binaries, we first boot this Linux distribution on an emulated
-pre-SSE4.2 CPU (`qemu-system-x86_64 -cpu qemu64,-sse4.2`), then run our sanity
-checks from inside this VM.
-
-<sup>†</sup><small>SSE4.2 support is particularly important in CockroachDB,
-since RocksDB internally uses a [CRC32C checksum][crc32c] to protect against
-data corruption. SSE4.2 includes hardware support for computing CRC32C
-checksums, but is only available on CPUs released after November 2008. Producing
-a binary that can dynamically switch between the SSE4.2 and non-SSE4.2
-implementations at runtime [has proven difficult][issue-15589].
-</small>
-
-### Updating the Linux image
-
-After [installing Buildroot][buildroot-install]:
-
-```shell
-$ make qemu_x86_64_glibc_defconfig BR2_EXTERNAL=buildroot
-$ make menuconfig  # Only if configuration changes are necessary.
-$ make
-$ cp output/images/bzImage images/qemu_x86_64_glibc_bzImage
-```
-
-At the time of writing, `qemu_x86_64_glibc_defconfig` instructed Buildroot to
-build a Linux 4.9 kernel, install Bash and OpenSSH into userland, and configure
-sshd to boot at startup and allow passwordless `root` authentication.
-`/etc/fstab` is modified to mount the first hard drive at `/bincheck`, assuming
-it's a FAT volume.
-
-[buildroot-install]: https://buildroot.org/download.html
-[issue-15589]: https://github.com/cockroachdb/cockroach/issues/15589
-[linux-image]: ./images/qemu_x86_64_glibc_bzImage
-[Buildroot]: https://buildroot.org
-[CRC32C]: http://www.evanjones.ca/crc32c.html
-[QEMU]: http://qemu.org
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/bincheck b/build/release/bincheck/bincheck
index d3e267daf3c8..24c9f8e96af2 100755
--- a/build/release/bincheck/bincheck
+++ b/build/release/bincheck/bincheck
@@ -34,7 +34,7 @@ echo ""
 # Start node with encryption enabled.
 "$cockroach" start-single-node --insecure --listening-url-file="$urlfile" --enterprise-encryption=path=cockroach-data,key=aes-128.key,old-key=plain --pid-file="$pidfile" &
 
-trap "kill -9 $! &> /dev/null" EXIT
+trap "kill -9 $! || true" EXIT
 for i in {0..3}
 do
   [[ -f "$urlfile" ]] && break
@@ -58,7 +58,7 @@ diff -u expected actual
 
 # Attempt a clean shutdown for good measure. We'll force-kill in the atexit
 # handler if this fails.
-cat "$pidfile" | xargs kill -TERM
+kill -TERM $(cat "$pidfile") || true
 trap - EXIT
 
 # Verify reported version matches expected version.
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot.patch b/build/release/bincheck/buildroot.patch
deleted file mode 100644
index abaa744445ba..000000000000
--- a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot.patch
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,35 +0,0 @@
-diff --git a/package/ncurses/Config.in b/package/ncurses/Config.in
-index 92be164..b3333f1 100644
---- a/package/ncurses/Config.in
-+++ b/package/ncurses/Config.in
-@@ -23,4 +23,9 @@ config BR2_PACKAGE_NCURSES_TARGET_PROGS
- 	help
- 	  Include ncurses programs in target (clear, reset, tput, ...)
- 
-+config BR2_PACKAGE_NCURSES_TERMLIB
-+	bool "separate terminfo library"
-+	help
-+	  Build a separate terminfo library (libtinfo)
-+
- endif
-diff --git a/package/ncurses/ncurses.mk b/package/ncurses/ncurses.mk
-index 94c8c9a..c1b61aa 100644
---- a/package/ncurses/ncurses.mk
-+++ b/package/ncurses/ncurses.mk
-@@ -27,6 +27,7 @@ NCURSES_CONF_OPTS = \
- 	--enable-pc-files \
- 	--with-pkg-config-libdir="/usr/lib/pkgconfig" \
- 	$(if $(BR2_PACKAGE_NCURSES_TARGET_PROGS),,--without-progs) \
-+	$(if $(BR2_PACKAGE_NCURSES_TERMLIB),--with-termlib) \
- 	--without-manpages
- 
- ifeq ($(BR2_STATIC_LIBS),y)
-@@ -65,7 +66,7 @@ NCURSES_TERMINFO_FILES = \
- ifeq ($(BR2_PACKAGE_NCURSES_WCHAR),y)
- NCURSES_CONF_OPTS += --enable-widec
- NCURSES_LIB_SUFFIX = w
--NCURSES_LIBS = ncurses menu panel form
-+NCURSES_LIBS = ncurses menu panel form $(if $(BR2_PACKAGE_NCURSES_TERMLIB),tinfo)
- 
- define NCURSES_LINK_LIBS_STATIC
- 	$(foreach lib,$(NCURSES_LIBS:%=lib%), \
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/Config.in b/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/Config.in
deleted file mode 100644
index e69de29bb2d1..000000000000
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/common/fs-overlay/bincheck/.keep b/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/common/fs-overlay/bincheck/.keep
deleted file mode 100644
index e69de29bb2d1..000000000000
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/common/fs-overlay/etc/ssh/sshd_config b/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/common/fs-overlay/etc/ssh/sshd_config
deleted file mode 100644
index 5ae17a5a4d05..000000000000
--- a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/common/fs-overlay/etc/ssh/sshd_config
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,3 +0,0 @@
-PasswordAuthentication yes
-PermitEmptyPasswords yes
-PermitRootLogin yes
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/common/post-build.sh b/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/common/post-build.sh
deleted file mode 100755
index 6a4758d7d3ea..000000000000
--- a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/common/post-build.sh
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,6 +0,0 @@
-#!/bin/sh
-
-fstab=$TARGET_DIR/etc/fstab
-grep -q /bincheck "$fstab" || cat >> "$fstab" <<EOF
-/dev/sda1	/bincheck	vfat	defaults	0	0
-EOF
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/x86_64_glibc/linux.config b/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/x86_64_glibc/linux.config
deleted file mode 100644
index 63a48cfb897f..000000000000
--- a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/board/qemu/x86_64_glibc/linux.config
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,52 +0,0 @@
-CONFIG_SYSVIPC=y
-CONFIG_BLK_DEV_INITRD=y
-CONFIG_INITRAMFS_SOURCE="${BR_BINARIES_DIR}/rootfs.cpio"
-CONFIG_MODULES=y
-CONFIG_MODULE_UNLOAD=y
-CONFIG_SMP=y
-CONFIG_HYPERVISOR_GUEST=y
-CONFIG_PARAVIRT=y
-CONFIG_NET=y
-CONFIG_PACKET=y
-CONFIG_UNIX=y
-CONFIG_INET=y
-CONFIG_DEVTMPFS=y
-CONFIG_DEVTMPFS_MOUNT=y
-CONFIG_VIRTIO_BLK=y
-CONFIG_BLK_DEV_SD=y
-CONFIG_SCSI_VIRTIO=y
-CONFIG_ATA=y
-CONFIG_ATA_PIIX=y
-CONFIG_NETDEVICES=y
-CONFIG_VIRTIO_NET=y
-CONFIG_NE2K_PCI=y
-CONFIG_8139CP=y
-CONFIG_INPUT_EVDEV=y
-CONFIG_SERIAL_8250=y
-CONFIG_SERIAL_8250_CONSOLE=y
-CONFIG_VIRTIO_CONSOLE=y
-CONFIG_HW_RANDOM_VIRTIO=m
-CONFIG_DRM=y
-CONFIG_DRM_QXL=y
-CONFIG_DRM_BOCHS=y
-CONFIG_DRM_VIRTIO_GPU=y
-CONFIG_SOUND=y
-CONFIG_SND=y
-CONFIG_SND_HDA_INTEL=y
-CONFIG_SND_HDA_GENERIC=y
-CONFIG_USB=y
-CONFIG_USB_XHCI_HCD=y
-CONFIG_USB_EHCI_HCD=y
-CONFIG_USB_UHCI_HCD=y
-CONFIG_USB_STORAGE=y
-CONFIG_VIRTIO_PCI=y
-CONFIG_VIRTIO_BALLOON=y
-CONFIG_VIRTIO_INPUT=y
-CONFIG_VIRTIO_MMIO=y
-CONFIG_VIRTIO_MMIO_CMDLINE_DEVICES=y
-CONFIG_EXT4_FS=y
-CONFIG_VFAT_FS=y
-CONFIG_TMPFS=y
-CONFIG_TMPFS_POSIX_ACL=y
-CONFIG_NLS_CODEPAGE_437=y
-CONFIG_NLS_ISO8859_1=y
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/configs/qemu_x86_64_glibc_defconfig b/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/configs/qemu_x86_64_glibc_defconfig
deleted file mode 100644
index a3337b0bfb06..000000000000
--- a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/configs/qemu_x86_64_glibc_defconfig
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,27 +0,0 @@
-# Configuration derived from upstream qemu_x86_64_defconfig.
-
-# Architecture.
-BR2_x86_64=y
-
-# Toolchain.
-BR2_TOOLCHAIN_EXTERNAL=y
-
-# System.
-BR2_SYSTEM_BIN_SH_BASH=y
-BR2_SYSTEM_DHCP="eth0"
-BR2_TARGET_GENERIC_GETTY_PORT="tty1"
-
-# Filesystem.
-BR2_TARGET_ROOTFS_INITRAMFS=y
-BR2_ROOTFS_OVERLAY="$(BR2_EXTERNAL_COCKROACH_BINCHECK_PATH)/board/qemu/common/fs-overlay"
-BR2_ROOTFS_POST_BUILD_SCRIPT="$(BR2_EXTERNAL_COCKROACH_BINCHECK_PATH)/board/qemu/common/post-build.sh"
-
-# Kernel.
-BR2_LINUX_KERNEL=y
-BR2_LINUX_KERNEL_USE_CUSTOM_CONFIG=y
-BR2_LINUX_KERNEL_CUSTOM_CONFIG_FILE="$(BR2_EXTERNAL_COCKROACH_BINCHECK_PATH)/board/qemu/x86_64_glibc/linux.config"
-
-# Userland.
-BR2_PACKAGE_BUSYBOX_SHOW_OTHERS=y
-BR2_PACKAGE_OPENSSH=y
-BR2_PACKAGE_NCURSES_TERMLIB=y
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/external.desc b/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/external.desc
deleted file mode 100644
index df7adb1137b7..000000000000
--- a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/external.desc
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,2 +0,0 @@
-name: COCKROACH_BINCHECK
-desc: Linux images used to verify pre-built CockroachDB binaries.
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/external.mk b/build/release/bincheck/buildroot/external.mk
deleted file mode 100644
index e69de29bb2d1..000000000000
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/images/qemu_x86_64_glibc_bzImage b/build/release/bincheck/images/qemu_x86_64_glibc_bzImage
deleted file mode 100644
index 35a36250119f..000000000000
Binary files a/build/release/bincheck/images/qemu_x86_64_glibc_bzImage and /dev/null differ
diff --git a/build/release/bincheck/test-linux b/build/release/bincheck/test-linux
index 1415c83befe3..9820b986f62c 100755
--- a/build/release/bincheck/test-linux
+++ b/build/release/bincheck/test-linux
@@ -13,28 +13,4 @@ COCKROACH_VERSION=$1
 COCKROACH_SHA=$2
 
 download_and_extract "$COCKROACH_VERSION" "linux-amd64.tgz"
-
-ssh() {
-  command ssh -o StrictHostKeyChecking=no -o UserKnownHostsFile=/dev/null \
-    root@localhost -p 2222 "$@"
-}
-
-qemu-system-x86_64 \
-  -cpu qemu64,-sse4.2 \
-  -m 1G \
-  -kernel images/qemu_x86_64_glibc_bzImage \
-  -net nic,model=virtio -net user,hostfwd=tcp::2222-:22 \
-  -drive file=fat:rw:mnt,format=raw \
-  -nographic &
-
-trap "kill -9 $! &> /dev/null" EXIT
-
-for i in {0..4}
-do
-  ssh true && break
-  backoff=$((2 ** i))
-  echo "VM not yet available; sleeping for $backoff seconds"
-  sleep $backoff
-done
-
-ssh /bin/bash -s /bincheck/cockroach "$COCKROACH_VERSION" "$COCKROACH_SHA" < bincheck
+./bincheck ./mnt/cockroach "$COCKROACH_VERSION" "$COCKROACH_SHA"