"The Pause": a common French parenting motion; pausing before attending to a baby's wants, to let
+them learn to self-soothe and deal with frustrations.
+
Making children eat at fixed meal times (and the same times as the adults eat) teaches them to
+wait, and wait without frustration, and generally become comfortable delaying gratification.
+
"When I tell Bean to be sage, I'm also telling her to behave appropriately. But I'm asking her to
+use good judgment and to be aware and respectful of other people. I'm implying that she has a
+certain wisdom about the situation and that she's in command of herself. And I'm suggesting that I
+trust her."
+
+
(I don't do this enough. Often, I lecture my daughter in public, which she then resents.)
+
+
+
"French experts view learning to cope with 'no' as a crucial step in a child's evolution. It
+forces them to understand that there are other people in the world, with needs as powerful as
+their own."
+
"Cohen writes, 'Periods of playing and laughing should alternate naturally with periods of peace
+and quiet. You don't have to talk, sing, or entertain constantly.'"
+
"It turns out that in French there are four magic words: sil vous plait (please), merci (thank
+you), bonjour (hello), and au revoir (good-bye). Please and thank you are necessary, but not
+nearly sufficient. Bonjour and au revoir — and bonjour in particular — are crucial."
+
+
"Saying bonjour acknowledges the other person's humanity. It signals that you view her as a
+person, not just as someone who's supposed to serve you."
+
+
+
"It's me who decides": "When I ask French parents what they most want for their children, they say
+things like 'to feel comfortable in their own skin' and 'to find their path in the world.' They
+want their kids to develop their own tastes and opinions. In fact, French parents worry if their
+kids are too docile. They want them to have character. But they believe that children can achieve
+these goals only if they respect boundaries and have self-control. So alongside character, there
+has to be cadre."
+
"This idea that you're teaching, not policing, makes the tone a lot gentler in France." (versus
+disciplining).
+
+
Intro
+
+
The American parenting problem: "One writer defines the problem as 'simply paying more attention
+to the upbringing of children than can possibly be good for them.'"
+
Argues that the overparenting wave came about due to:
+
+
Widening of the rich-poor gap, which caused a more competitive parenting mindset.
+
Misled beliefs in the 80s onward that children are psychologically frail and need more of our
+attention.
+
That kidnapper and abuser danger lurks everywhere.
+
+
+
"Yet the French have managed to be involved [in the lives of their children] without becoming
+obsessive. They assume that even good parents aren't at the constant service of their children."
+
+
Paris is burping (chap 2)
+
+
French mothers are much calmer about pregnancy; they put on less weight, stress much less over the
+best practices and asking "is it safe?", and yet they have equally healthy birth stats.
+
+
Doing her nights (chap 3)
+
+
Pamela argues that French parents have their kids sleeping through the night within a reasonable
+number of nights, without using fancy or branded sleep methods. Basically, self-efficacy and being
+encouraged to trust their bodies.
+
"The Pause": a common French parenting motion; pausing before attending to a baby's wants, to let
+them learn to self-soothe and deal with frustrations.
+
+
"The Pause works in part because parents believe that tiny babies aren't helpless blobs. They
+can learn things. This learning, done gently and at a baby's own pace, isn't damaging. To the
+contrary, parents believe it gives the babies confidence and serenity, and makes them aware of
+other people. And it sets the tone for the respectful relationship between parents and children
+that I see later on."
+
+
+
Even babies need some privacy. "The little baby learns in his cradle that he can be alone from
+time to time, without being hungry, without being thirsty, without sleeping, just being calmly
+awake. At a very young age, he needs time alone, and he needs to go to sleep and wake up without
+being immediately watched by his mother." - Dr. Leersynder
+
+
Wait! (chap 4)
+
+
"Having kids who can wait makes family life more pleasant."
+
Making children eat at fixed meal times (and the same times as the adults eat) teaches them to
+wait, and wait without frustration, and generally become comfortable delaying gratification.
+
"When I tell Bean to be sage, I'm also telling her to behave appropriately. But I'm asking her to
+use good judgment and to be aware and respectful of other people. I'm implying that she has a
+certain wisdom about the situation and that she's in command of herself. And I'm suggesting that I
+trust her."
+
+
(I don't do this enough. Often, I lecture my daughter in public, which she then resents.)
+
+
+
This is what French parents are "educating" their children about, fundamentally.
+
+
"I'm now convinced that the secret of why French kids rarely whine or collapse into tantrums —
+or at least do so less than American kids — is that they've developed the internal resources to
+cope with frustration. They don't expect to get what they want instantly."
+
+
+
"Kids learn how to distract themselves when they're made to wait. They just need to be given the
+chance."
+
Why do American parents bring snacks for their kids everywhere they go?
+
"In France the gouter is the official, and only, snack time. It's usually at about four thirty
+P.M., when kids get out of school. It has the same fixed status as other mealtimes and is
+universally observed for kids."
+
+
This preserves their hunger for the late dinner.
+
+
+
Eating meals together in an orderly fashion serves as "little capsules of patience training."
+
"Walter Mischel says the worst-case scenario for a kid from eighteen to twenty-four months of age
+is 'the child is busy and the child is happy, and the mother comes along with a fork full of
+spinach...'". The parent is not listening to the child's rhythms.
+
"French experts view learning to cope with 'no' as a crucial step in a child's evolution. It
+forces them to understand that there are other people in the world, with needs as powerful as
+their own."
+
"Making kids face up to limitations and deal with frustration turns them into happier, more
+resilient people."
+
+
Tiny little humans (chap 5)
+
+
About parents who try to have their kids hit developmental milestones (like learn the alphabet;
+subtraction) sooner than their peers: "He didn't think that pushing kids to acquire skills ahead
+of schedule was either possible or desirable. He believed that children reach these milestones at
+their own speeds, driven by their own inner motors."
+
Cadre: a strict frame, within which the kid has great liberty. The frame usually consists of rules
+and times for eating, sleeping, watching Tv.
+
Dolto popularized listening carefully to one's kids and giving them the credit of being rational,
+while still setting boundaries (a cadre).
+
+
Day care? (chap 6)
+
+
The believed benefit of a creche (a French daycare), besides the watching of the kid, is the
+socialization.
+
According to a large study, children fared better when "enhancing experiences" — like going to
+the library — were part of the childcare.
+
+
Bebe au lait (chap 7)
+
+
Few women in France breastfeed their kids. The reason seems to be cultural: women don't think they
+have enough milk, and there's no peer pressure for them to do so.
+
+
The perfect mother doesn't exist (chap 8)
+
+
"Cohen writes, 'Periods of playing and laughing should alternate naturally with periods of peace
+and quiet. You don't have to talk, sing, or entertain constantly.'"
+
French parents hosting a play date don't expect the other parents to stay.
+
+
"By the time a child is three, French birthday parties are dropoffs."
+
+
+
"Most kids just choose one activity per school term."
+
"The let-them-be principle comes straight from Francois Dolto, the patron saint of French
+parenting. Dolto very clearly argued for leaving a child alone, safely, to muddle about and figure
+things out for herself."
+
+
Caca boudin (chap 9)
+
+
(French public preschool is off on Wednesdays. That's nice.)
+
French parents, about delaying reading until 6 or 7:
+
+
"She and her husband say that at this stage it's much more important for children to learn
+social skills, how to organize their thoughts, and how to speak well."
+
+
+
Training children to say hello, to show respect, and acknowledgment of others:
+
+
"It turns out that in French there are four magic words: sil vous plait (please), merci (thank
+you), bonjour (hello), and au revoir (good-bye). Please and thank you are necessary, but not
+nearly sufficient. Bonjour and au revoir — and bonjour in particular — are crucial."
+
"Bonjour madame/monsieur" in particular.
+
This helps the child learn to project confidence in their interactions with adults.
+
"Adults are supposed to say bonjour to each other, too, of course. I think tourists are often
+treated gruffly in Parisian cafes and shops partly because they don't begin interactions with
+bonjour, even if they switch to English afterward."
+
"Saying bonjour acknowledges the other person's humanity. It signals that you view her as a
+person, not just as someone who's supposed to serve you. I'm amazed that people seem visibly put
+at ease after I say a nice solid bonjour. It signals that — although I have a strange accent —
+we're going to have a civilized encounter."
+
+
+
Bonjour teaches the avoidance of selfishness. Or put positively, it teaches selflessness.
+
+
"Kids who ignore people, and don't say bonjour or au revoir, they just stay in their bubble.
+Since parents are dedicated to them already, when will they get the sense that they are there to
+give, not just to receive?"
+
+
+
+
Double entendre (chap 10)
+
+
"I still feel much as I did at the moment of the boys' birth: that my attention is hopelessly
+divided. I ask my friend Helene — who also has twins and a singleton — whether she's considering
+having more. 'I don't think so; I'm at the limit of my competence,' she says."
+
+
I adore this baguette (chap 11)
+
+
French culture and healthcare urges mothers to "get back into shape for sex," to restore intimacy
+in the marriage.
+
"'Adult time' or 'parent time.' It's when the kids go to sleep. Anticipation of 'adult time' helps
+explain why — once the fairy tales are read and the songs are sung — French parents are strict
+about enforcing bedtime. They treat 'adult time' not as an occasional, hard-won privilege, but as
+a basic human need."
+
+
Argues that children should be told about adult time, so they know that they are not the center
+of the universe. It's important for their development.
+
+
+
The kids should have their own special program too, during parental holidays.
+
+
The parents taking a yearly 10-day holiday by themselves: "She says that kids also occasionally
+need space from their parents. When they all reunite after the trip, it's very sweet."
+
+
+
French women don't seem to rage against their husbands for doing less at home, or being less
+competent at parenting than the mother.
+
+
"This is because Frenchwomen don't expect men to be their equals. They view men as a separate
+species, which by nature isn't good at booking babysitters, buying tablecloths, or remembering
+to schedule checkups with the pediatrician."
+
+
+
+
You just have to taste it (chap 12)
+
+
In Paris, snacks are not used to distract and soothe kids. They're not given kids menus, they
+don't snack between meals.
+
"Parents take for granted that, while kids will prefer certain tastes over others, the flavor of
+each vegetable is inherently rich and interesting. Parents see it as their job to bring the child
+around to appreciating this. They believe that just as they must teach the child how to sleep, how
+to wait, and how to say bonjour, they must teach her how to eat."
+
Pamela suggests talking about the expected sounds and textures of new food, to engage the child
+and get them to focus on it.
+
+
"All the French baby books I read urge parents to stay calm and cheerful at mealtimes, and above
+all to stay the course, even if their child doesn't take a single bite. 'Don't force him, but
+don't give up on proposing it to him,' the government handbook explains. 'Little by little,
+he'll get more familiar with it, he'll taste it... and without a doubt, he'll end up
+appreciating it.'"
+
+
+
"The ordinary, middle-class French parents I meet are evangelical about the idea that there is a
+rich world of flavors out there, which their children must be educated to appreciate."
+
"She views each night's dinner as part of Lucie's culinary education. She doesn't worry too much
+about how much Lucie eats. But she insists that Lucie has at least a bite of every dish on her
+plate."
+
"In France, everyone eats the same dinner. There are no choices or substitutions."
+
"Part of keeping the mood light is keeping the meal brief. Fanny says that once Lucie has tasted
+everything, she's allowed to leave the table."
+
+
It's me who decides (chap 13)
+
+
French parents do not believe in sharing power with the child. "It is me who decides."
+
"When I ask French parents what they most want for their children, they say things like 'to feel
+comfortable in their own skin' and 'to find their path in the world.' They want their kids to
+develop their own tastes and opinions. In fact, French parents worry if their kids are too docile.
+They want them to have character. But they believe that children can achieve these goals only if
+they respect boundaries and have self-control. So alongside character, there has to be cadre."
+
"This idea that you're teaching, not policing, makes the tone a lot gentler in France." (versus
+disciplining).
+
Authoritative but not authoritarian: "the parents' response should almost always be yes."
+
"Children should watch a bit of television, so they have a shared culture with other kids."
+
"Instead of spanking, they recommend that parents become adept at saying no. Like Marcelli, they
+say that 'no' should be used sparingly. But once uttered, it must be definitive."
+
+
Let him live his life (chap 14)
+
+
"The trap of the relationship between parents and children is not recognizing the true needs of
+the child, of which freedom is one... the child has the need to feel 'loved in what he is
+becoming,' sure of himself in a space, day by day more freely left to his own exploration, to his
+personal experience, and in his relations with those of his own age." - Dolto
+
To have a child feel good about themselves, they should feel good about their work for their own
+reasons, so French adults do not "praise everything a child does," as is common in American
+parenting.
+
+
The future in french (conclusion)
+
+
"I still declare, 'It's me who decides' in moments of crisis, to remind everyone that I'm in
+charge. I see it as my job to stop my kids from being consumed by their own desires. But I also
+try to say yes as often as I can."