diff --git a/lib/internal/bootstrap/switches/is_main_thread.js b/lib/internal/bootstrap/switches/is_main_thread.js
index be145e84dc27df..08623898edafac 100644
--- a/lib/internal/bootstrap/switches/is_main_thread.js
+++ b/lib/internal/bootstrap/switches/is_main_thread.js
@@ -6,8 +6,12 @@ const rawMethods = internalBinding('process_methods');
 // TODO(joyeecheung): deprecate and remove these underscore methods
 process._debugProcess = rawMethods._debugProcess;
 process._debugEnd = rawMethods._debugEnd;
-process._startProfilerIdleNotifier = rawMethods._startProfilerIdleNotifier;
-process._stopProfilerIdleNotifier = rawMethods._stopProfilerIdleNotifier;
+
+// See the discussion in https://github.com/nodejs/node/issues/19009 and
+// https://github.com/nodejs/node/pull/34010 for why these are no-ops.
+// Five word summary: they were broken beyond repair.
+process._startProfilerIdleNotifier = () => {};
+process._stopProfilerIdleNotifier = () => {};
 
 function defineStream(name, getter) {
   ObjectDefineProperty(process, name, {
diff --git a/lib/internal/bootstrap/switches/is_not_main_thread.js b/lib/internal/bootstrap/switches/is_not_main_thread.js
index 852352eead0d73..379ad0a587a22a 100644
--- a/lib/internal/bootstrap/switches/is_not_main_thread.js
+++ b/lib/internal/bootstrap/switches/is_not_main_thread.js
@@ -4,8 +4,6 @@ const { ObjectDefineProperty } = primordials;
 
 delete process._debugProcess;
 delete process._debugEnd;
-delete process._startProfilerIdleNotifier;
-delete process._stopProfilerIdleNotifier;
 
 function defineStream(name, getter) {
   ObjectDefineProperty(process, name, {
diff --git a/src/api/environment.cc b/src/api/environment.cc
index 20408c79f858be..90cb2be2e6edc8 100644
--- a/src/api/environment.cc
+++ b/src/api/environment.cc
@@ -420,7 +420,7 @@ MaybeLocal<Value> LoadEnvironment(
     Environment* env,
     StartExecutionCallback cb,
     std::unique_ptr<InspectorParentHandle> removeme) {
-  env->InitializeLibuv(per_process::v8_is_profiling);
+  env->InitializeLibuv();
   env->InitializeDiagnostics();
 
   return StartExecution(env, cb);
diff --git a/src/env-inl.h b/src/env-inl.h
index 2f0573de210fab..5126b18e83daa5 100644
--- a/src/env-inl.h
+++ b/src/env-inl.h
@@ -378,10 +378,6 @@ inline Environment* Environment::GetThreadLocalEnv() {
   return static_cast<Environment*>(uv_key_get(&thread_local_env));
 }
 
-inline bool Environment::profiler_idle_notifier_started() const {
-  return profiler_idle_notifier_started_;
-}
-
 inline v8::Isolate* Environment::isolate() const {
   return isolate_;
 }
diff --git a/src/env.cc b/src/env.cc
index 4030df9ec90f57..991ba3cf98d4a2 100644
--- a/src/env.cc
+++ b/src/env.cc
@@ -485,7 +485,7 @@ Environment::~Environment() {
   CHECK_EQ(base_object_count_, 0);
 }
 
-void Environment::InitializeLibuv(bool start_profiler_idle_notifier) {
+void Environment::InitializeLibuv() {
   HandleScope handle_scope(isolate());
   Context::Scope context_scope(context());
 
@@ -499,17 +499,6 @@ void Environment::InitializeLibuv(bool start_profiler_idle_notifier) {
 
   uv_check_start(immediate_check_handle(), CheckImmediate);
 
-  // Inform V8's CPU profiler when we're idle.  The profiler is sampling-based
-  // but not all samples are created equal; mark the wall clock time spent in
-  // epoll_wait() and friends so profiling tools can filter it out.  The samples
-  // still end up in v8.log but with state=IDLE rather than state=EXTERNAL.
-  // TODO(bnoordhuis) Depends on a libuv implementation detail that we should
-  // probably fortify in the API contract, namely that the last started prepare
-  // or check watcher runs first.  It's not 100% foolproof; if an add-on starts
-  // a prepare or check watcher after us, any samples attributed to its callback
-  // will be recorded with state=IDLE.
-  uv_prepare_init(event_loop(), &idle_prepare_handle_);
-  uv_check_init(event_loop(), &idle_check_handle_);
   uv_async_init(
       event_loop(),
       &task_queues_async_,
@@ -518,8 +507,6 @@ void Environment::InitializeLibuv(bool start_profiler_idle_notifier) {
             &Environment::task_queues_async_, async);
         env->RunAndClearNativeImmediates();
       });
-  uv_unref(reinterpret_cast<uv_handle_t*>(&idle_prepare_handle_));
-  uv_unref(reinterpret_cast<uv_handle_t*>(&idle_check_handle_));
   uv_unref(reinterpret_cast<uv_handle_t*>(&task_queues_async_));
 
   {
@@ -536,10 +523,6 @@ void Environment::InitializeLibuv(bool start_profiler_idle_notifier) {
   // the one environment per process setup, but will be called in
   // FreeEnvironment.
   RegisterHandleCleanups();
-
-  if (start_profiler_idle_notifier) {
-    StartProfilerIdleNotifier();
-  }
 }
 
 void Environment::ExitEnv() {
@@ -567,8 +550,6 @@ void Environment::RegisterHandleCleanups() {
   register_handle(reinterpret_cast<uv_handle_t*>(timer_handle()));
   register_handle(reinterpret_cast<uv_handle_t*>(immediate_check_handle()));
   register_handle(reinterpret_cast<uv_handle_t*>(immediate_idle_handle()));
-  register_handle(reinterpret_cast<uv_handle_t*>(&idle_prepare_handle_));
-  register_handle(reinterpret_cast<uv_handle_t*>(&idle_check_handle_));
   register_handle(reinterpret_cast<uv_handle_t*>(&task_queues_async_));
 }
 
@@ -600,29 +581,6 @@ void Environment::CleanupHandles() {
   }
 }
 
-void Environment::StartProfilerIdleNotifier() {
-  if (profiler_idle_notifier_started_)
-    return;
-
-  profiler_idle_notifier_started_ = true;
-
-  uv_prepare_start(&idle_prepare_handle_, [](uv_prepare_t* handle) {
-    Environment* env = ContainerOf(&Environment::idle_prepare_handle_, handle);
-    env->isolate()->SetIdle(true);
-  });
-
-  uv_check_start(&idle_check_handle_, [](uv_check_t* handle) {
-    Environment* env = ContainerOf(&Environment::idle_check_handle_, handle);
-    env->isolate()->SetIdle(false);
-  });
-}
-
-void Environment::StopProfilerIdleNotifier() {
-  profiler_idle_notifier_started_ = false;
-  uv_prepare_stop(&idle_prepare_handle_);
-  uv_check_stop(&idle_check_handle_);
-}
-
 void Environment::PrintSyncTrace() const {
   if (!trace_sync_io_) return;
 
diff --git a/src/env.h b/src/env.h
index 0a647ecea8757b..4533f8b8978307 100644
--- a/src/env.h
+++ b/src/env.h
@@ -879,7 +879,7 @@ class Environment : public MemoryRetainer {
               ThreadId thread_id);
   ~Environment() override;
 
-  void InitializeLibuv(bool start_profiler_idle_notifier);
+  void InitializeLibuv();
   inline const std::vector<std::string>& exec_argv();
   inline const std::vector<std::string>& argv();
   const std::string& exec_path() const;
@@ -909,10 +909,6 @@ class Environment : public MemoryRetainer {
   inline void AssignToContext(v8::Local<v8::Context> context,
                               const ContextInfo& info);
 
-  void StartProfilerIdleNotifier();
-  void StopProfilerIdleNotifier();
-  inline bool profiler_idle_notifier_started() const;
-
   inline v8::Isolate* isolate() const;
   inline uv_loop_t* event_loop() const;
   inline void TryLoadAddon(
@@ -1234,11 +1230,8 @@ class Environment : public MemoryRetainer {
   uv_timer_t timer_handle_;
   uv_check_t immediate_check_handle_;
   uv_idle_t immediate_idle_handle_;
-  uv_prepare_t idle_prepare_handle_;
-  uv_check_t idle_check_handle_;
   uv_async_t task_queues_async_;
   int64_t task_queues_async_refs_ = 0;
-  bool profiler_idle_notifier_started_ = false;
 
   AsyncHooks async_hooks_;
   ImmediateInfo immediate_info_;
diff --git a/src/node.cc b/src/node.cc
index b3b69922cbe8ab..1c776c79fc6887 100644
--- a/src/node.cc
+++ b/src/node.cc
@@ -148,8 +148,6 @@ bool v8_initialized = false;
 // node_internals.h
 // process-relative uptime base in nanoseconds, initialized in node::Start()
 uint64_t node_start_time;
-// Tells whether --prof is passed.
-bool v8_is_profiling = false;
 
 // node_v8_platform-inl.h
 struct V8Platform v8_platform;
@@ -789,19 +787,11 @@ int ProcessGlobalArgs(std::vector<std::string>* args,
     env_opts->abort_on_uncaught_exception = true;
   }
 
-  // TODO(bnoordhuis) Intercept --prof arguments and start the CPU profiler
-  // manually?  That would give us a little more control over its runtime
-  // behavior but it could also interfere with the user's intentions in ways
-  // we fail to anticipate.  Dillema.
-  if (std::find(v8_args.begin(), v8_args.end(), "--prof") != v8_args.end()) {
-    per_process::v8_is_profiling = true;
-  }
-
 #ifdef __POSIX__
   // Block SIGPROF signals when sleeping in epoll_wait/kevent/etc.  Avoids the
   // performance penalty of frequent EINTR wakeups when the profiler is running.
   // Only do this for v8.log profiling, as it breaks v8::CpuProfiler users.
-  if (per_process::v8_is_profiling) {
+  if (std::find(v8_args.begin(), v8_args.end(), "--prof") != v8_args.end()) {
     uv_loop_configure(uv_default_loop(), UV_LOOP_BLOCK_SIGNAL, SIGPROF);
   }
 #endif
diff --git a/src/node_internals.h b/src/node_internals.h
index 65a4edcbea6b81..dffaa084db409b 100644
--- a/src/node_internals.h
+++ b/src/node_internals.h
@@ -55,7 +55,6 @@ class NativeModuleLoader;
 namespace per_process {
 extern Mutex env_var_mutex;
 extern uint64_t node_start_time;
-extern bool v8_is_profiling;
 }  // namespace per_process
 
 // Forward declaration
diff --git a/src/node_process_methods.cc b/src/node_process_methods.cc
index 3a025d68ef3436..0a40ba006b5d2b 100644
--- a/src/node_process_methods.cc
+++ b/src/node_process_methods.cc
@@ -224,16 +224,6 @@ void RawDebug(const FunctionCallbackInfo<Value>& args) {
   fflush(stderr);
 }
 
-static void StartProfilerIdleNotifier(const FunctionCallbackInfo<Value>& args) {
-  Environment* env = Environment::GetCurrent(args);
-  env->StartProfilerIdleNotifier();
-}
-
-static void StopProfilerIdleNotifier(const FunctionCallbackInfo<Value>& args) {
-  Environment* env = Environment::GetCurrent(args);
-  env->StopProfilerIdleNotifier();
-}
-
 static void Umask(const FunctionCallbackInfo<Value>& args) {
   Environment* env = Environment::GetCurrent(args);
   CHECK(env->has_run_bootstrapping_code());
@@ -456,10 +446,6 @@ static void InitializeProcessMethods(Local<Object> target,
     env->SetMethod(target, "chdir", Chdir);
   }
 
-  env->SetMethod(
-      target, "_startProfilerIdleNotifier", StartProfilerIdleNotifier);
-  env->SetMethod(target, "_stopProfilerIdleNotifier", StopProfilerIdleNotifier);
-
   env->SetMethod(target, "umask", Umask);
   env->SetMethod(target, "_rawDebug", RawDebug);
   env->SetMethod(target, "memoryUsage", MemoryUsage);