test.txt

Happy new year nonetheless

Tonight is the night and it’s all alright. I am not afraid anymore, I am okay with it. I am okay. Thank you for reaching out to me if you have I appreciate it but I have to go. Thank you.
"This is my first post. I’m (F 21) not one to complain but for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to kill myself. I’ve struggled with self harm, PTSD, anxiety and medical issues (kidney stones, nausea, vomiting, etc.). I never saw myself making it past the age of 18 and now that I’m 21, I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel worthless and constantly sad. I still wake up everyday wanting to kill myself because I just don’t see how things can get any better. In fact, things have just been getting worse. 
I just wanted to vent. I’ve never done anything like this before. 
Thanks for reading, I guess."
I feel like a spectator of my own life at this point, I keep searching for happiness like it’s an object I can find like it’s some mystical spell that’ll immediately make everything better I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life and I feel like I’m going nowhere anyway I just wanna fucking die I’m so tired of being alive.

Every single post here seems to be negative. Well I'm here to be positive and tell y'all to try and seek some help before even considering death as an option. Even if you tried seeking help already, just try harder, like I did. It took me a long time of suffering from stuff like body dysmorphia disorder, social anxiety but I finally got good meds and my thoughts are completely different, I feel much better than before. If meds don't work, learn to cope with stuff you like (everyone likes something, so yeah).
"I’m sick and my throat hurts. I can’t talk. I went to lie down for a while and I after I could hear my boyfriend screaming and swearing at his son, slamming doors. Then he slammed the refrigerator door and a lit of stuff fell out and a glass bottle broke.

I tried to talk to him and he said “it’s no worse than anything you’ve done”

I fucking hate myself"
I hate feeling like I'm stretching out my death, I've been wanting to die for years. I feel too much nothingness. I have so much anxiety of everything I've wasted on Earth in my short time here, I don't want to live the full expected life span. I just wish I could snap my fingers and be erased from existence. I have no will to live. I fucking hate myself so much. I'm too stupid to even know how to successfully off myself. I'm a failure at everything.
"I certainly do. Brings home how much I’ve failed in the past year(s) and certainly how, even with every effort, I’m still making the exact same promises and hoping for the same changes for another year, again. Again. 

But again it is, I might be here next year. Same time, same place, same thoughts. But I’m still here. Just. And maybe, maybe this year something, someone will be on my side and things will improve.

Stay strong, stay here with me, let’s just see what we can do. Let’s just give ourselves the small chance we owe ourselves to experience happiness. Please do this with me, I’m tired of feeling alone."
I wish everyone the very best, let's all keep fighting on, together.
Will be alone and I have been lied to by the only person I have I’m only here because I dint want to go to hell and my rabbit depends on me. But when reading the Bible says nothing about suicide and my rabbit will be well taken care of. I believe I will hand myself in the bathroom after I pray.
Everyone else one here seems like they are dealing with a real issue, something traumatizing or is actually a valid reason to be depressed. I don’t, I want to die. That just made me feel ever worst abt myself, I feel such a burden on everyone even on you guys for wanting to die. There’s not a specific reason for me to be depressed, I’m not straggling to make a living, I have people around me. I just don’t understand why I wouldn’t want to live. I wish I could trade my life with someone who’s genuinely struggling and having trouble so I can finally have a reason to kill myself. I have plans to hangout with my friends for tonight but I can’t stop thinking jumping off the sky train and just end it.
Facing horrendous pain takes more balls then dying naturally.
Yesterday was my birthday and midnight marks a new year. I didn't want to make it to a new year in either sense. I don't have the energy to explain all the trauma and horrible things to happen that have brought me to this point and I don't want to hear "it gets better" or any shit about time. I've struggled with this for 4 years and it only gets worse. I've done countless types of therapy, medication, exercise, yoga, meditation, journaling, socializing...I've tried it endlessly and nothing helps. I've lost every single thing I've cared about. I've tried to find something to hold on to. Something to fight for. A reason to live. I've tried but nothing matters to me. I've stopped caring about all my hobbies and passions and dreams. I've begged loved ones and counselors to help me, to give me a reason to live, and nobody will. Does anybody that can actually relate have any advice or a reason that might actually matter to me?
"just know there’s people out there that believe in you and love you 

i may not know you but i want you to get better i love you, please don’t give up.

i hope this year brings you so much joy and happiness and you take good care of yourself please stay alive for those around you and for yourself.

much love :)"
Starting off the new year by almost ordering gas online to kill myself with...hope anyone reading this is having a better evening than me
15 years old. Viewed the new year countdown all by myself and just had a break down. I feel so sad idk what to do anymore. im always sat home alone watching tv or something. I like being by myself but sometimes I just get really sad when I think about it. If it continues I feel I may want to stop living. I don’t make friends very well. I have some at school but never hang out away from it. The only thing keeping me going is my dog tbh. My whole life is just so sad.
My heart aches every day I'm alive. I wasn't meant to be here.
"i dont want to get into why. im 14, f, i have really bad anxiety and im bad at talking to people over the phone, but i just need to feel less alone. can someone just tell me what happens in detail? im scared to do it (call, not. yknow. i mena i am scared of that too, but i digress im rambling)

sorry, thank you for any help"
"I don't think you need to put trigger warning on here but I will anyways. Mentions of: suicide, rape, abuse, self harm.

My life has been consistent trauma after trauma after trauma. The good parts of my life are small and well spaced. I struggle with many mental health issues and it puts a lot of emotional stress on my family. I am starting to really feel unworthy of life. I have been raped and sexually assaulted many times, physically assaulted, emotionally abused basically all of my life by many different people, I have had so much happen to family members that got projected onto me at a young age. There is just all this shit right and it feels like its never going to stop and even if it does? what will I even be? Just some sad shell of a person? I want to be strong for my family but its so hard. I have no friends, even when I am doing amazing and am acting like a good well together person, I still somehow manage to lose friends? Which has led me to the conclusion that maybe- its just me. Maybe I have been trying so hard all my life to get through this but maybe I just can't. What if I am just destined to be some massive fuck up that kills myself. If I would just get it over with it would give my family more time to grieve. I have attempted suicide many times, resulting in pretty severe scarring. I just want to end it. So badly. I will never be able to live out some even semi good life. and I love her but I can't keep only staying alive for my fucking dog."
18, and a worthless piece of shit. Alone for the millionth time in a row. Whats the point anymore? Im in an LDR and I wanna tell him to find someone new, and end my life. But I don't want to confide in anyone tonight. What if I just did it? Not ruin everyones happiness tonight? They'll find out tomorrow probably. But let everyone be happy tonight. I suppose if I were dead it would include me being happy.
[removed]
"0799210045
please help me"
I have had depression and anxiety for a while now. I’m 20 years old and whenever I feel like I am improving something else comes along too make me feel worse again. I have such amazing opportunities in life that I have no reason to feel so sad and alone and I definitely do not deserve them. I am just sick of all the embarrassments that I face and all the days I struggle to talk and interact with anyone. I have no right to feel this way and I know i am so selfish. I’m sick of falling hopelessly in love and being alone and I am sick of just falling short at everything I do. I am struggling to keep it together and can’t explain it to anyone without feeling super embarrassed and now struggle to sleep without crying and wishing I was a better person. It’s so tough sometimes just to get out of bed and so tough to be such a burden to the people I’m your life. I don’t want to see people be dragged down by me. They are all amazing and I don’t deserve them.
"My entire friend group is hanging out tonight and they’re all sleeping at one of their houses. Every single one of my friends. Even my best friend. And they didn’t invite me. But I’m looking at these pictures and fuck, I’m so sad. My little sister came home from visiting our grandparents- they asked my parents to send HER down and not me. She keeps talking about really sensitive topics and making little comments and I’m already dealing with my insecurities and she’s making me feel even shittier. I must be such a burden on my friends, and I hate myself. I really fucking hate myself. I feel so alone, and I have no one to talk to. My parents don’t realize that they actually just make everything worse because they are so so so insensitive and the don’t understand. They thought I was faking my depression at first until they caught me cutting. God I feel so alone and I wish I could die. I can’t go through another year of this bullshit, but I’m not sure how to do it. I’d vomit pills, I’m not courageous enough to hang myself or slit my neck, and I’m too young to get a gun...
I have never posted to this sub so idrk what to expect but typing that out for a bunch of strangers made me feel a bit better."
I dont want to actually die. I wish I could dissolve, my entire existence would be wiped away with magic. Like in movies with magic how photographs and videos, etc, change. So not just my body, but my spirit and my past and present fade away and were never in existence.
"I've been trying to keep it positive today. Kept myself busy at work and socialized but I still feel fucking miserable. I'm so damaged. 

18 years of living with abusive, negletive parents and in extremely toxic households — no professional help, no genuine emotional support. Just hurting and surviving. It fucked me up.

I barely feel like a person. 

I only started getting the help I needed when I was 19 years old. I wasted so much time being hurt and hurting other people. I don't know when I'll recover from any of this. I don't know if I'll ever become the person I want to be. Grieving over my youth has been extremely painful and lonesome. I don't know if I want to grieve much longer.
 
Really pathetic how I'm posting in reddit, I'm hesitant to reach out to my friends because I don't want to ruin their New Years Eve.

I don't think I can do this anymore."
Im out of money, have no support, I hate myself, and my motivation is gone. I haven't worked in 2 months. I had panic attacks every time I tried to call back in from "sick leave." Laid around out of it on my antidepressants the other days. Other people have panic attacks and are sad.. why am I special? Why dont I care?  I even was so disgusting as to try and ask strangers for money online. Just to try and make it one more month, turn it around. Thats when I realized.. why should I even try that much? Other people need money for real reasons.. is this about money? Ive been empty so long when did it start? So what, I wont need to pay rent if I am dead. I wont need to share my dirty secret that im broken. Off my family health insurance.. cant even get help if I wanted. And I can stop disappointing not only myself but literally everyone who knows me. Even if they don't care enough to reach out to me on my birthday.. Christmas.. and now new years.. Im done. Its both a very sad and very calming thought. I just needed to tell someone I guess. Sorry for the trouble.

Every day is a struggle. I hate myself. I can't be around other people without thinking about suicide because it feels like I don't fit in anywhere. I think about suicide constantly.. i'm so tired of it all
"I cant have an attack, i don't want my sister to see. She worries enough with school and life. I don't want her to worry about me. She shouldn't. I can't do that to her.

i cant.

she doesn't deserve it."
I'm sitting in my room on nye, all of my so called friends dropped me this year. My other friends are busy which is understandable. I've been very depressed today, I've been waiting forever for my Mom to ask me what was wrong. She did today but followed it by saying you're just being so ill today. I'm alone and sitting here with my pistol. Please I just need someone to talk to.
"I’ve been trying to tell myself for months that I’m getting better, but I know ultimately I’m at rock bottom. My family is completely fucked up at this point and my friends don’t actually care about me. One of my friends has been threatening to kill herself tonight on reddit for like a week, I think it may be a good distraction if everybody is focused on helping her and they won’t remember me. Hopefully she gets the help that she needs, but I honestly don’t think I can handle being here any longer. I feel so isolated everywhere and trapped in my own head.

I’m still thinking of whether or not I should try to reach out to anybody, but I know that my friend group isn’t the best at giving advice for this kind of stuff, it was always me they looked for to help them. The only person I can really talk to about anything with would require me to text them, and for some reason I have severe anxiety when it comes to texting people first. I really need somebody to talk to, but I’m not sure who. I don’t want to lose control tonight and kill myself, but that seems to be what path I’m about to go down."
"I have a chronic pain condition. That I keep hidden. Because no one understands it. No one gets what it’s like to live every single day in terrible pain. All day. There’s not a single memory I have where I wasn’t in some amount of physical pain.

And then doctors try to say it’s a symptom of depression. Wouldn’t it make more sense that I’m depressed because I’m constantly on physical pain - not the other way around?

The only reason I keep going is to enjoy nature. It used to be nature and my friends. But my friends, well...one is being a giant asshole, ones not speaking to me...the others I keep at an arm’s length...

I just needed my best friend to tell me he was sorry I don’t feel well today. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever been in in my life. I feel so horrible, I thought maybe it’s meningitis. I have a fever and a headache and my whole body feels like it’s burning from my bones to my skin. It’s like I’m full of crushed glass. Like gout, but everywhere. I woke up and I cried and I begged for god to kill me. And his response was, “If I get sick again, I’m gonna be so fucking pissed.”

All I needed was care.

No one really cares.

Why do I continue to live in agony to spare these people’s feelings? And nature is dying. Why do I continue to live to watch the thing I love most die?

Because I’m a coward. And I want to die painlessly and quickly. And I don’t know how.

Please. It doesn’t seem fair that I have to live. I live everyday in horrible pain. Please, god. Please just let me die."
Male here, I hate being bullied and not talked to because of the way I look, which I have no control over. I have BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) and all I ever think about is how ugly I look. Society has successfully rejected me so I must die now tbh.
i dont wanna do it but its so painful.
"I’m sorry that this is long. TL;DR is the title.

My mom and my sister (5 years older, I’ll call her S) have a long list of mental illnesses. My mom has mostly recovered and my sister is getting better but around 2014-2016 when I was 11-13, things were REALLY bad. Without going into to much details, my parents filled for divorce and some other things happened which broke my mom. She attempted suicide. She ended up in the hospital for two weeks and was diagnosed with a stack of mental illnesses and was put on meds. She came home and S and I basically took care of her but S wasn’t doing well and was getting skinnier and skinnier. My mom was cutting a lot, I walked in on her a few times and she didn’t even notice me. So much blood was dripping from her arm, so damn much blood. What is an 11 year old supposed to do when he sees this? I had no clue what to do so I ignored it. 

My sister was doing worse and worse and was eventually diagnosed with an eating disorder as well as a couple other things and put in a hospital. Of course this didn’t help my mom’s situation and the cutting got so much worse and she was sleeping all day because of her meds. After my sister got out of the hospital, she tried to commit suicide a few times. For quite a while there was daily screaming matches between S and my mom. One would start to get upset about something then the other would get upset because the first person was upset and it would just keep escalating, all while I sat there and pretended it wasn’t happening. I’d see fresh bandages on my mom’s arm and ignore it, I’d hear my mom or my sister crying in her room and ignore it, I’d see my sister secretly working out and ignore it. I though that bringing attention to it would make them upset so I didn’t. They forgot my birthday that year.

At this point, I, a 12 year old, was now taking care of my mother, my older sister and myself. I made all of my own food, cleaned up the house, got myself to and from school, and made sure my mom and my sister were both breathing when I came home. I took care of them but at the same time I ignored what was happening to them and I ignored how I felt. I thought that I couldn’t cause any problems or voice how I felt because I was worried that if I wasn’t okay then everything would fall apart so I became the rock, the person that they didn’t have to worry about. I was so focused on making sure that I ignored how I felt that I stopped feeling anything. After a few years, they’ve both slowly gotten better but I’m stuck. You could ask me how I’m feeling right now and I wouldn’t know the answer, let alone how to express it. I’m numb except for the occasional time I’m angry. Other than that I feel nothing. I’m empty. 

I’m probably missing a lot of events and stuff because don’t remember much from the past few years but some times the stuff I do remember gets stuck in my head. I still don’t like to go out with friends and I don’t even have real friends because I still put on that facade but I try have friends because I feel like I have to be okay and people that are okay have friends. I just stay in my room while my family hangs out with my mom’s boyfriend and his daughter. I don’t care about school because I feel like I won’t even make it to university but I still try to do school work because my mom yells at me and gets really upset and calls me lazy if I don’t. 

Everyday I think about how much better everything would be if I was dead but I feel like a coward because I haven’t done it yet. There are two reasons I haven’t killed my self yet: 
1. Attempting suicide is something my mom and S would do and I want to be nothing like them. 
2. Slitting your wrists and taking pills have too high of failure rates, there are no tall buildings around me and I don’t have access to a gun. Those are starting to feel like they’re not good enough reasons to keep living. I know I’m depressed but I hate admitting it because of what my mom and S being depressed did to me. I’m just so done with every thing and I don’t even know why I’m writing this."
This year has been absolutely shit! I've lost everything...Lost my car, my job, my Wife, just about all my "friends". I went to mental hospital...didn't really help. I've tried to stay positive, but fuck it man! What positivity comes from being back at your mom's house with no income and everything you do or try fails. I'm done with this garbage. I don't have a place where I belong here so maybe death will be more fucking welcoming than this......
"I'm pregnant. This is my third child and I never wanted children. I never wanted to be married or in a monogamous relationship. I never wanted anything in my life that is currently happening but here we are. I suffer from depression (prenatal, postpartum, bipolar...) and every day I think about killing myself. Every day. The only way I made it through my second pregnancy was telling myself that once the baby was born I could kill myself. I would be free. But I didn't because I'm a coward. Tonight I'm in bed listening to my kids run around while their father plays with them and I'm planning on how to finally kill myself. My kids would be better off without me as a mom. My husband would be better off without me as a wife. My family wouldn't care because I've done nothing with my life so 🤷🏾‍♀️ I regret waiting this long to do this. I wish I didn't survive my first attempt in high school. 

Sorry if I did this wrong. I've never used reddit before but I won't be posting again. Thank you for reading my rant. Happy new year"
[removed]
i want to fucking off myself. its new years so i cant talk to anyone about this because ill ruin the fun but FUCK. i want to die. my family suicide proofed the house about 9 years ago and at this point it feels cruel. just put me out of my misery. everything has gone wrong. its been getting worse and worse.
"It’s New Year’s Eve. My family is out celebrating with friends. I backed out. I don’t want to be around people and I don’t want to celebrate. 

What I want is to die. I know that it’s the depression. I don’t think it’s going to get me right now, but I know it’s going to at some point. 

I have a wife who loves me more than she should. I have kids who are my everything. None of it makes life worth living. I’m not sure what would make me feel as though life was worth living. 

I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die. I’m not able to do it. Part of me is glad about that and part of me is ashamed about it. 

I make bad choices. I’m sure I’ll continue to do that until it finally ends me like I want it to. 

Happy New Years everyone. Happy fucking New Years."
There used to be comfort and companionship, but all this bullshit positivity and pretending that everyone's okay, this forced positivity is what's actually killing people.
Maybe if I'm lucky a bus will hit me on my way to class next semester.
I have no friends. No family. My adult kids hate me. Parents hate me. Whole family ignores my existance. My ex husband, who had nothing to do with my kids while they were young, is now super dad now that they are adults. He has recreated the story of what went on in their lives when they were little to make me look like the bad parent. They have turned against me even though I raised them from birth to 18 by myself - no help from him at all. He and his wife are their new family....I cant compete with their family...they have a bunch of half siblings on their dads side. Me? I am pathetic. Alone all day, every day. No friends visiting. No partner. No reason to leave the house. I can tell they think I am lazy and pathetic. I am completely isolated. Been battling mental illness for 30+ years. I am getting significantly worse. I have no support system. Therapist and Psych Dr but they dont help. I have been on every med imaginable. I am tired and dont even care anymore. I dont even want to get better because I know it is impossible now. Nothing interests me. Nothing excites me. I dread the same day I have to face over and over like groundhog day. I dont work, so I just lay on my couch and then go to bed everyday. No one thinks about me or asks about me or checks in on me. EVER. I could be dead for months and no one would even know. I believe that I should not have to live anymore. I dont know how I am going to do it, but it is crazy if anyone actually thinks they have the right to ask me to live like this. No one will miss me. Maybe for a short while but I will be forgotten quickly. No one ever thinks about me now....so I am not concerned if people think about me when I am not here. Numb as fuck. Irritable, feeling some rage but I am trying to sleep so I dont have to think. I hate everything right now.....but dont think it will be okay someday for me. This has been going on for decades. The last decade being the worst. Then I go and get sexually assaulted on top of everything and now I just hate everything about myself and I think men/sex is gross. So, I am not going to ever have someone in my life. Because I am now too tired to want anyone or to bother trying.
"I'm not sure where to start but I feel like I don't have any other choice but to kill myself. 


I'm 22 and have been dealing with depression since I was 16 but it's been very severe the past 3 years. There's something wrong with me and I'm certain this feeling will never go away. I struggle with human interaction and can't form an emotional bond, not even with my own mother. I've never been in a relationship or have anyone I can rely on. My friends only see me as ""the girl who's always struggling"" and I can see the judgment whenever I express my feelings to them. I've tried to find a passion but everything feels forced. The only thing that has ever brought me happiness has been food. Food seemed to be the only thing I could live for but years of binging/bulimia has caused my digestive system to shutdown. I've been treated with a variety of medication in the past but the side effects were extreme and I can no longer afford to go. I've tried to stop but I fail every time, I'm a failure and don't know why I'm here. My body is disgusting and now I have severe acne. No matter what I do, everything keeps getting worse. I feel like I deserve this, I deserve to suffer but I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on. I'm in massive debt with no way out. My job is stressful and I fear that I'll be let go soon but the debt keeps piling up. I don't know what to do if I lose my job. I'm alone and feel exhausted waking up to the same shit everyday. I can't even look at myself in the mirror and when I catch a glance, I feel nothing but disgust. I tried killing myself with a bottle of pills a year ago but it didn't work. I have access to a gun. I've never shot one before but I'm not confident that I can slit my wrist deep enough to do the job. I'm scared and just want to feel better but nothing changes no matter what I do. I tried to tell myself ""hang in there for 10 more years, give it some more time"" but I don't think I can even wait another week. I don't know why I'm posting this. Everyone says the same thing. 


""Try doing this"" 

""It'll get better""

""Keep a positive mindset""

""This feeling will pass"" 


I feel so frustrated when people tell me this, like I haven't tried it before. It's been years now, how much longer? I'm not sure if God is real, I believe there is something out there but I feel like I've been abandoned or punished for being such a shitty person. I'm desperately hoping a miracle will happen, something that gives me the courage to keep going. But this emptiness keeps getting heavier every day. I can't do this by myself and no one truly understands. I feel so worthless, what's wrong with me? I don't want to die."
"I feel like such an idiot. I was having a breakdown and thought it was the best idea at the time. I've been under a lot of stress, and I thought it would be a good way to get away from everything for a little bit. At the crisis unit I poured my heart out and told them I bought a gun to shoot myself. They could tell I was starting to have second thoughts about admitting myself and they 5150'd me. This kinda pissed me off because now I'm an involuntary patient. 

At the facility they set me up with a counselor and a psychiatrist. Which was really no help at all. I got prescribed some medications (gabapentin and wellbutrin). Gabapentin helps with my anxiety a little, but the wellbutrin honestly makes my suicidal thoughts worse. I could not stand being cooped up in that place, being caged in like that is not good for you. So now I'm back home and I still want to kill myself, but now I have to find another way to do it because I got my gun rights taken from me for 5 years(I doubt I'll be able to appeal it). I also have this 5150 on my record. All I wanted was some real fucking help. I don't know what to do anymore to be honest, I'm going through withdrawals, I'm probably going to quit my job so I can take time to recover. I was planning on joining the military, but it looks like thats out of the question now because of this incident. I fucking hate this world, I just want to die."
Guys I don’t know If this is the right page to post too but I’ve been with this guy for a few months now and he’s told me in private that we are together but whenever we are in public he just gets with other girls and talks to other girls and I know it’s really Pathetic but I just feel like shit and I think that if I just jumped off the balcony or jumped in front of car then his life would be a lot easier, but I also feel like I’m being a bit dramatic
"its not worth it to keep going im so tired of doing this everyday 

no one cares and its too much work to make anyone care

i dont have the energy to keep doing this

there is nothing good worth staying for

my heart is empty and faking it takes every last ounce of energy i have"
Every year is the same it’s shit and my life some how manages to get worse and worse every year. I hate it when people say happy new year to me because it’s really not. I’ve never felt worse than I have in 2019 and 2020 is gonna be even worse. I got fined for attempting to kill my self on Christmas night. I was punished because I wanted to leave this shitty planet
"Iv been hanging by a thread for a while now. Working through the holidays has been killing me. I feel so alone and that I've got no one to talk to. 

Lately I've been thinking. It's the end of a decade. I've got a few hours before the new decade starts. I could just be done with it so I never have to see 20/20. It'll help me achieve my goal of being long dead before I'm 30 to.

Anyone want to talk things out? You don't need to listen to my life story. Even telling me yours is good."
"So for the last few years, I've noticed the same re-occurring feeling. 

You'd just be partying with friends having a good time during New Years Evening. I would truly be enjoying myself but with the clock getting closer to the new year I start feeling emptier and emptier. When the clock strikes and we've reached the new year, I stop feeling. While everyone is screaming in joy and wishing each other a happy new year, I just don't know what to feel. I don't feel nor understand the joy people get when it's a new year. I don't understand how it makes people happy. It just doesn't bring up that feeling that everyone seems to get.

I then just feel disappointed for the rest of the evening. I don't feel a lot else. Other than disappointment, my heart is empty during that night."
"i have a bit of a sleeping problem, and its that i cant stay conscious for more then about 3 or 4 hours at a time, and i hate it. i hate it so fucking much.

i slept through fucking new years eve. the one thing i didnt want to sleep through.

i dont want to do another decade of this shit... i cant do another decade of this shit.

i hate this body and brain and the torture it keeps putting me through.

i really am just considering taking an overdose so i dont have to sit through another 10 years of pain.. 

we’re not even an hour in and i already feel suicidal"
Message me
I just can't over it, before I thought I was single just because of bad luck but now I can see women genuinely do not like me because I am short and have a meek/goofy personality rather than tough and confident/manly and even if I try to act tough/manly my real personality always leaks through and women pick up on it and then ghost me. And it literally makes me want to kill myself and I try to be mgtow and not care but I just can't get over it, what should I do? I'm having a really bad day and I'm seriously thinking of ending it all tonight because I've suffered for so many years and I just can't do this anymore and I don't want to go into 2020 like this.
"Sorry for bad english.
I'll try to make it as short as possible.
I'm 24M, I have a small company, earning 6x average salary in my country. Driving a bmw. I have a huge house, no debts, I look good (I have girls, friends...).
I have no problems socializing, I can talk with everybody.
So, nobody knows that I suffer.
And no, this is not just a short period.
I suffer every day, every hour. I am thinking about suicide every hour!
Nothing can bring me happiness. 
Yes, I have seconds when I'm high...a good joke, having a chat with a person I love...but after all, everything is back again.
Until my age I did more than anybody I know, but this just make me proud, not happy.
I just think I need kids to bring me joy. But what if I'll have a kid and after I'll feel the same?
I'm very assumed in everything is happening in my life and I know that my happiness is my job, not my gf's job, not my friend's job and I'm the only one who can do it better.
What do you think about it? Even if I have everything, I still have suicidal thoughts every single hour."
"Hello, i wanted to express my feelings to someone, anyone, before I end up killing myself.

My childhood was pretty bad for the most part, father was a policeman that unfortunately developed  liver cancer and had to quit his job, mother was a physician that lost her job and clinic after one of her friend/co-worker killed herself. After my grandmother passed away on my father's arms, he started drinking a lot, which developed his liver cancer even more, which also resulted in my mother drinking a lot too.

They argued every night, making me unable to sleep. I started sleeping in class, and after my grades dropped, my friends started to bully me. My parents did nothing to help me, instead they started to hit me, choke me and crush my genitals because ""i was not their son anymore"" and ""it was what i deserved"". They would also call the police if i resisted, saying that I was harming them. They did many other things, but it wold be better if i don´t disclose all the details.

I don't live with them anymore, but because of all that happened, I have severe depression, constant nightmares and panic attacks. These nightmares caused me to miss a lot of days in school and pre-college preparatory classed because of my lack of sleep, which resulted in me failing to get in college multiple times. The panic attacks and depression destroyed multiple relationships, be it with my now ex-girlfriend or my now ex-friends, most of which called me sick.

In conclusion: I can't sleep, I don´t have a job, I don´t study, I can´t get into college, I lost the only girl I ever liked, I lost my friends and I am still scared by everything that happened in my childhood. I feel completely worthless, I am depressed and alone all the time. I really think the only way to escape this mess is by killing myself. it's not like I want to do it, I just don't see another way out anymore.

​

Thank you, and sorry for wasting your time to read this.

Sorry for the bad grammar, english is not my first language."
When I was young I thought about suicide a lot. But I figured I'd hold off because if I can make it to 18 I'd be able to live the life I want. The feelings come and go since. But lately I feel like I'm honestly waiting for my mother to pass away so that I can too. Shes lost a son already, and between my brother and everyone else ive lost I dont want anyone to feel that pain. But they say at some point you have to start putting yourself first. I feel like I'm living just so friends and family dont have to experience another death. All of my best friends through life have passed. I'm 30 years old. If you'd ask me to share a story, I'd struggle to find a happy one. The happy ones are all masked with sad stories that took over. Much of the time I find myself enjoying when I am angry because I rather be filled with rage than just the shell of a man who has amounted to nothing. My life is full of failures, each years failures are worse than previous. I've been single for 5 years now. And I cant even delve into that relationship because it holds what is biggest failure, not the relationship itself. I'm fuckign empty. And depressed. And it feels worse this time. I've been crashing on my brothers couch since I moved back. I'm moving out in mid Feb or march to an apartment by myself and I dont want to be alone, not like single or without friends, but alone for too long. This is the first time I'm sharing and my eyes have been filled with tears since the second sentence.idk if that's good or bad. It's all bottled up but I dont need to share. I was thinking about just starting a youtube channel, not showing myself, bit just speaking all these truths because I cant not deal with it anymore. I've tried antidepressants years back and hated them. What do I do. I'm ashamed that I'm 30 and don't know but honestly I cant imagine carrying this much longer. I'm considering finding drugs like fentanyl because I cant hang or drown or shoot myself. But then I wouldn't want my family or friends to think I was on drugs. Something has to change soon. Please help me.
"I have nobody other than my parents, and even then I spent my new years eve getting drunk wishing I wasn't alive

It's crazy to think how I am so scared of death and the unknown but I want to be nothing, it's a mental paradox

I just want to feel important, for once in my life, I can't even feel important for myself

I'm nothing"


"I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I feel like I have everything. I have genuine friends. I’m in my dream university. I’m fairly confident. 

But I can’t stop being depressed as hell, at everything. Just life makes me depressed, no matter how good it gets. Nothing makes me happy and I end up drinking myself to sleep almost every night. 

The slightest inconvenience makes me throw a tantrum and props up suicidal thoughts. 

Yesterday, I kissed a girl I’ve liked for a while which actually made me quite happy, but then today I saw her kissing my friend at a party which completely devastated me. 

I know that this is nothing compared to what many people on this subreddit are going through. But it completely destroyed whatever sanity I had left and reemerged feelings of worthlessness and that I’m never going to be anyone’s first choice.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I’m incapable of being happy. I just know that I hate life so much. 

I live somewhere where there really isn’t any accessible services for these types of things. 

Please help me"
I don't feel anything besides sadness/resent for myself. I have a narcissistic mother and when I get the courage to say anything she doesn't take me seriously. I want to alit my wrist right in front of my narcissistic parents just so the last thing I see is their face of horror.
Hi, I am from England. My family owns a shop, opens at 7am closes at 9pm. I go to a university to do computer science. I dont even know if I like the course, got testa coming up next week. The main problem is my family and friends. For some reason even when I do work at the shop, I help it and stuff. I am not allowed to go to my friends. If I got once, they usually say "you cant go out anymore" or If I try to go out like three days after I get the same saying "you went out with your friends 3 days ago". Same shit happened this nee years, I wanted to go with my friends for the first time on new years, I told them four hour prior to us going and their response was "why are you telling things when you are going", I explain the situation and their response was "idk what you are saying but dont get me in a bad mood". My friends waited 10minutes outside my shop because they really wanted me to go, I just told them go without me and eventually they did. I dont even know if I wanna live this life anymore.
"My friend just posted on his snapchat story 

“I’m sorry all, I really am. Some time I will be in the hospital. I have taken 20 500g paracetamol. Just stay safe this year please”

I didn’t even know he was suicidal and considering he’s one of my only friends who isn’t a piece of shit, I really want to comfort him.

I quickly messaged him that he should get better soon and I urged him to speak to me if he wants support but I’m wandering if I should do any more

Also we’re both 15 and I’d never of even thought he would try something like this"
I just can’t do it.
I don't know what to say I'm just fighting the urge to complete my plan, it's soo simple to just call time.

"I don't want fucking special treatment or constant attention. I just wish people had some fucking patience.

I know I'm far from perfect, and further from normal. I know I'm fucking difficult, and I'm trying to fix it, but if I ask what I did wrong people just get fucking mad at me."
Ive been fantasizing about hurting and/or killing myself for awhile now. I hate my fucking life. I have a decent paying but dead end job, wife is a lazy asshole who does nothing to contribute, work my ass off to make ends meet. Only positive in my life is my kids. I honestly believe they are the reasons why I dont turn these fantasies into reality, but I've been getting more and more depressed lately and I'm scared I'm going to actually attempt to end my life. I have no one I can turn to, I have no friends, my family could careless about me, my own fucking wife would rather be in a different room than with me. My only friend is my 3 year old daughter and she doesn't even know what I'm talking about and I'm just hurting and spiraling out of control. Every single day and night I fantasize about killing myself and I can't stop these feelings.
I tried drinking but all it did was make me dizzy and more depressed. I posted some art on social media but was given the painful reminder of how socially isolated I am and the reasons for it, and it hurts. I am almost 30 and social media hurts like hell every time I go on there because I come across people who I like but who have no idea who I am or don't want anything to do with me if I try to talk to them. The same thing happens in real life, I come on too strong and deter people who are nice to me because I'm so socially awkward and so much want friends. A girl at Winners around my age was nice to me and I don't know what I did but she just looks at me weird now and yeah. I have ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, social anxiety and am traumatized by being bullied my whole life for my looks and weird demeanour. The only reason I post my art online is because my family and two friends are on there and support me. I don't know I should be happy I have them but it just hurts being cut off from the rest of the world and the world not even wanting to give me a chance. I've been told I should try networking, but I have no confidence due to past awful social experiences and feel like I would just not appeal to anyone. I don't want to go through the rejection. I didn't even fit in with the other nerdy art kids at my college. I was too weird for them and they didn't want anything to do with me. I wasn't cool and aesthetic enough or tumblr famous.
"Life is SHIT. I've spent the last ten years regretting my failure to off myself, and what better way to fix that than never ringing in another shitty, terrible decade ever again?

The sad thing is I'm not sure how to go about it.  I don't have anything out of the ordinary, and I have no celing hanging options to opt for a belt-noose.  Ideas?"
Bye

"The year hasn't ended and I am now emotionally distanced from some of my friends, entered this subreddit, and I'm more than a little afraid of what might happen.

It's funny, at the start of this year I wouldn't have imagined being here in this state, and a year before that I wouldn't have either, but Esther because of already feeling like I was already dead, so why bother?

Life really spins around, it's fucking annoying to say the least.

Whatever road you take this year, I hope it brings you some happiness. It will be a bumpy ride for a lot of us, I imagine."
I really don’t know we’re else you’d go...? Is this a normal thing to do in order to get help? I feel like I’m taking time away from actual sick people..

I am an idiot. I can’t do anything. It must happen. I need to commit suicide.

"I just finished watching it and it's an eye opener. Everyone from friends to family to strangers to one survivor had different opinions about what they've seen, what mistakes that they've made, and how they felt afterwards. I was surprised that some people, like Gene's grandmother and Philip's parents accepted that their children were going to die and they couldn't do nothing about it. Meanwhile, others were in denial and regret their mistakes. 

Just an observation and it's even crazier this got recommended on NYE 2019."
"I have been staring at them for hours. 

I don’t have the will anymore, but I think of how it would affect others and it stops me. That being said, it is unfair to me to have to continue to live this painful life so everyone else is happy. 

What about my happiness? I don’t have any. All I see is black."
"iunno

i got a gf, family, couple friends so why do i feel like this??  shits confusing
i feel like i should be more grateful anf i am so grateful i really am im very lucky to have everything in my life but just leaving it all behind dont bother me much either
i hate myself and lately i wanna die more than ever, iunno why
yea i should see a professional but im 15, i got no money and my parents wont pay for me or care to make me see someone
and i just feel so shit all the time. im a dickhead. being dickhead is bad. i try stop being dickhead but im still dickhead nontheless
and sometimes i cry myself to sleep, and its bad, no one knows how bad it gets 
i wish i could tell my girlfriend, but she would be annoyed, i wish i could tell my parents but we arent that close, i would i could tell my friends but they just dont understand
happy new years. wish i was drunk rn but i made a promise to someone i really care about, and if it werent for this person, her love and how caring shes been to me, i wouldnt be here 
 yea have a good one cya"
Legit, why can't I get a day off? Whh can't I get a day of tranquility, of just some peace. I haven't had a single day in the past 5 years where I was happy and at peace. Every single fucking day, and I'm sorry for cussing, but why is every single day a nightmare? What's wrong with giving me some rest? Legit, anyone who believes in a God can suck my dick, because i refuse to believe that he'd be such a dick to ruin every single day for me. Y'all might think I'm joking, but I'm serious. Everyday, something happens, or someone gets tired of me. I'm DONE. Help ME god fucking damn it. Millions of people still believe in a God, yet that motherfucker can't give me a single day of. Not a single day of peace. What the fuck have i ever done to that guy. I have been an atheist for so long, but I refuse to believe that my life has been this shit because of "bad luck". Fucking hell.
Do message and talk for a while. It’s the best I can do and hope I can somehow improve your new year.
"The girl I fell in love with won't even talk to me  
I tried to give my abusive ex boyfriend closure today and he screamed at me per usual  
I have no one to speak of to spend any holidays with  
My transition (FtM) is going horribly  
My friends have all left me

I want to show them all what they did to me  
I want to stop hurting  
I cant live in this body  


Im not leaving a note. Im going to carve their names into my skin, one last ditch effort to destory this fucking thing, and I hope word finds them.  


I have a plan and idk if it will work but im going to try. my first attempt since high school."
"Where is the joy of living? I'm genuinely curious. 

I really don't give a flying fuck if people grief about my death, I never wanted to be here in the first place. Life has never granted me anything; no emotional fulfillment, happiness nor excitement. Every action is the same as the last. No matter how well I perform or how good I make others feel, it's ultimately fucking empty and meaningless. A bunch of empty fucking faces and empty fucking words. 

Death and the macabre has been the only things to ever elicit something resembling an existential response, standing face-to-face with our inevitable demise. I'm not afraid of death. I'm not afraid to kill myself. I never was. I never will. The question is just how I'm going to carry it out."
God I didn’t know that was just the freakin heading. But when I tried to explain to her or him how bad it was killing me and she got other mods to post bad things about it too and fuck it I’m done. There’s a lot more to this but my Xanax is putting me to sleep will talk tomorrow if I can get myself out of bed.
"I'm waiting for my elders to die so I can off myself. I spend all day thinking about wanting to die. Every thought is met with ""well , just kill yourself"" . Every time i think of something ive said or done I think ""thats actually a good reason to die"" . Its some sort of brain disease . Its always been there but over the past year since i began isolating myself It has gotten much much worse. Recently Ive been trying to turn back to religion to find some sort of meaning. Its helping, it seems to be leading me to push the very real impulses and reactions I'm feeling aside. Still, I don't know if im processing them or becoming a lunatic. I am a net negative to this world. I cause so much pain without realizing it and by the time I do i'm just a fuckin loser to them 

happy new year"
[removed]
it’s New Year’s Eve. here we go 2020. 2019 has been the worst year of my life, and reading some of the other entries on this subreddit my problems are nothing compared, but they still exist. i just want to feel better for once, but the new year isn’t going to bring it. my kind of girlfriend keeps lying to me and even lied to me about not being able to hang out tonight. all of my few friends also had convenient excuses, i know im probably seen as a burden to them but i hoped at least one of them would say yes. ive been self harming a whole lot more lately. i don’t know how im going to do it, but im thinking about drowning myself in the swamp down the street, that swamp was always a happy place for me and i want my last moments to be spent at least slightly content. i just used this reddit as a way to vent and if anyone is reading this tonight, happy new years hope you have a good year.
Divorced, alone, alcoholic. I do have a well paying job and a beautiful 6 year old girl. Why am I depressed? That's what makes me feel shittier is is many people have it worse than me. Over the the years I've wanted to do it, even tried once, but the thing that always pulls me back is I will make someone sad. I always feel I'm living for someone else and not for me. To be honest I want to off myself before my daughter realizes what a piece of shit I am. That way she can remember me in a good light. Well, off to bed at 10 on New Year's Eve and one more year to try to get my mind right. Happy New Year?
"when my friends hurt themselves it hurts me too

sometimes my friends do stupid things and get hurt anf it just pains me to know theyre going through pain, one of my friends hurt themselves on purpose and it really made me upset, i understand its an outlet ive done so too but man it makes me think how much pain they feel to do such a thing 

maybe that makes me empathetic or something

if i could take away someones pain i would do it in a heartbeat, i dont want anyone to suffer ever"
I think it's fair to say that the past few years (since 2014 or so) each year got gradually worse and worse. Now here we are. 2020. I'm at an all-time high of depression, loneliness, and other issues I won't bore you with. Most people seem to have high hopes for this upcoming year, and the little bit of hope I actually have agrees. However, seeing as how things are and how things have been for the past few years, I can't help but think pessimistically about the upcoming year. So, until we've gotten far enough into 2020 for me to determine which it is, I'll try my best to remain on an indifferent feeling toward the new year, and I hope you can all do the same for a while. Until then, I'm all alone and I'm very sad and lonesome on New Years yet again. I'm not even gonna bother watching the ball drop, it just doesn't feel special anymore. Let's all hope that 2020 brings on new opportunities and new positivity into all our lives. I invite anybody to take a shot with me as the clock strikes midnight. We may not be celebrating together in person, but that shot will bring us all together for that split moment. Cheers, and happy New Year everybody.
"I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to do. He’s going to die unless I’m there for him. But I can’t be. Just thinking about him makes me go into the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. But if I leave he’ll die. But I can’t stay either. But if I leave he’ll die.
SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE I CAN’T JUST KEEP RUNNING AWAY.
I’m on the verge of touching my CRT’s electron gun and instantly electrocuting myself. I just want the pain and the confusion to end. I can’t live with myself right now.
Someone... please... tell me what to do. They’re begging me to stay with them or they’ll really kill themselves... but I can’t... I don’t know what to do... I can’t... I don’t know...
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO"

1993-2019. That's what should have been written on my tombstone. It would have made 2020 better for everyone.
"I have been having suicidal thoughts for over a year now. Every day. The new year has created a new sense of dread and I just wish I could disappear.

The only thing keeping me from acting on it is the thought of hurting my parents. I don't wanna break their hearts. They're good people.

The worst part is that no one would even think I've got anything to be depressed about. I'm successful, I'm funny with my friends, I've got someone who loves me.

But all that doesn't matter to me because my search for happiness has always drawn a blank.

I'm so tired and I wish that I could disappear. Anyone in the same boat?"
I recently had a mental breakdown which was made worse by my girlfriend of 3 years breaking up with me, she told me she wanted me to get help for my mental health. I ended up in a hospital under watch for 4 days and put under medication, I was also assigned a health clinic to go to. Despite all this she has ignored me for a week, I love her more than anything in this world. I learned through mutual friends that she just wants to move on, and the thought of her with someone else makes me want to tear my eyes out.  My entire life has been filled with depression and this just really puts the nail in the coffin. The only thing stopping me is that I want my death to be painless.
I have lurked this sub for years and have made a ton of really good friends on here. Y’all, 😭.
I've had about 3 failed attempts. Well, 2 true attempts. Third time's the charm, right? I fucked up enough to the point where this is the only true option. If you're reading this, I hope you'll make it further than me.
"Hey,

Doesn't matter if you're alone at home or with your friends/family. Sadness isn't so selective, nobody is free of suffering. I don't know you and you don't know me, you could be trying to kill yourself at this moment. Or i could be. No one knows.

I don't believe that exists a formula to happiness. What causes me suffering, could make you happy. Life is like that. What i'm trying to say is: don't kill yourself. You're not selfish for being sad, even if you're the richest person in the world with hundreds of friends. You're not a burden. You're not bad. You're just a person trying to survive in this fucked up world. Media and Social Networks can create the ilusion that everyone is happy and sadness is a uncommon problem, for disfunctional people. Isn't true. Hold on. Breath in, breath out. A friend of mine who knows that i suffer from mental diseases said to me on my birthday, day 27: ""Congrats for getting here"". I say the same to you. Congratulations for being one of the persons alive in 2020, others didn't achieved this. You've survived. We've survived.

Please, hold on. Keep walking, at your pace."
"I've got a new years resolution. I'm gonna kill  myself  in April. Gonna enjoy these last few months I have left, and specially, enjoy my last new year celebration.  
I took a photo with my parents, cause  I know they're gonna want to see memories of me when I was alive. I know that a part of me is being selfish, but I'm decided to do it. 
I'm too tired to keep on fighting. Sorry. 💔😪"
"so i turn 18 in a couple of days and it feels fucking weird saying that because when i was 13 i could not imagine my life past 16 or 17 and it’s very hard to wrap my head around that i’m actually here right now despite how much i wish i wasn’t. to celebrate my bday a small group of friends and i are having a party but i’m terrified to let myself get properly drunk. i’ve only drunk alcohol once or twice and have only gotten a bit tipsy for me that meant more friendly loud singing coming out of my shell. but that same night i only had 3ish drinks i found myself in my friends bathroom looking for something to sh with and just sitting on the floor spacing out. as much as i do want to die i don’t want to do in a way that’s harmful to my friends but i do wanna get drunk and force myself to have fun bc that’s what you’re supposed to do. but i just have this gut feeling that i will do something about ending my life if i drink a bunch bc the only thing now stopping me is just the courage and that’s literally the only thing alcohol gives me. 
i don’t really know what the point of posting this is it’s just a vent but maybe if anyone else has dealt w this"
"this is my first time posting but

i can’t take the pain anymore, i just swallow all my anti-depressants, probably around 2000-2500mgs and well, yeah. 

i’m thinking to myself now, i’m not going to see my sister grow up, i’m not going to see the ending to some shows i watch, i’m never going to laugh with my friends again. i’m going to miss a lot, but i’m selfish, and i want the pain to stop. 

i feel like what i’m doing is wrong, and it is, but i don’t care anymore."
I can't seem to orchestrate an accidental death. I don't want to be alive but I also don't want mum to feel the loss of a kid who killed themselves. So I'm here almost 30 and wishing more than ever that a different sperm made it so my particular life wasn't around.
There is nothing to stay for. Everything has no purpose. I’m replaceable in all aspects of life. They’ll hire someone else, get a new friend, get a new lover, nothing stops. There’s just a void, some silence for a minute and then everything keeps going. Everyone will heal and I’ll finally be gone and done. I have no family, I live in my car, and every other minor inconvenience makes me want to blow my brains out. I feel like I could dry heave and scream from the dissonance and anger I constantly feel inside. There’s nothing but pain and tired pleading. I’m so fucking tired. I can’t fucking pretend like this is going anywhere anymore and I don’t want to. I feel worthless and fucking irritated I want out I want the fuck out
Goodnight and good riddance  to 2019.  Begging the powers that be that I simply just die in my sleep tonight.  I don’t want to wake up to another day of shit.
I took about a gram of amitriptyline yesterday, 20 of the 50mg I have for migraine prevention. I fully admit it was more of a gesture and a sorta stupid self destruction act that would not help in any way. I'd sorta hoped I would die but I didn't even really care. I just was sad. I woke up 20 hours later, I feel nauseous and gross. My blood pressure is a little on the low side at 104/75 and my pulse is on the high side at 135. But it fine. Not dead. And now I just feel worse than before because now it's not just emotional psychological bad but also I physically feel like shit. Is this probably because of the mild overdose? How long till it wears off if it is.
Starting from last year,i havent really been to school and everyday im just too scared of fucking up everything due to anxiety and depression...which exactly what i did.I ended up wasting almost half a year doing nothing and living in the hospital.I tried my very best to get a regular life style and rotate but i always ended up having insomnia every night,not only that my closest female friend rejected my confession and we seldom talk to each other now.Its now already a new year and i just feel like everything will just repeat and i won't even have the motivation to change my current state.I just want to suicide to end this endless pain.
i am only 13 and have a wide variety of problems to deal with, social, mentally, and physically. its such a selfish thing to do but it wouldnt matter after ive ended it
For the past couple of years I always cry on New Years and my birthday. I think it’s because it reminds me how another has gone by but I’m still miserable. I’m trying so hard not to cry this year but it’s so hard.
I know this time of the year is especially rough. I would not say that I have a particularly hard life. I'm actually studying something that I have always dreamed of doing. I'm not here for pity or to get encouraging words. I just do not feel that i belong here. For many years death has been on my mind, as an intense fear and at the same time a relief. Now I have begun to practice and study how to end my life the best way, by best it does not have to be painless. Perhaps through pain you can feel alive and connected. I have friends but nobody really gets me. My family is a mess and for a long time I would feel guilt for these suicidal thoughts. That these thoughts were selfish and that I would hurt them but I no longer have that connection. I'm on medication for depression and severe panic. To be honest I do not really know why I am typing this. I think that I just do not want to feel alone for once.
I'm in a very isolated beach and my calls to the hotline my country has aren't working. I'm also 7 km away from the city and don't have a vehicle. I am incredibly lonely and I am very tired. Dunno if it helps to say this, but I'm on treatment for depression and cptsd. I hate being alone and I don't want to live like this, but I've been trying so hard to change my reality or to get used to it, but it's... not working. Please, I feel so lost.
"God I hate my life so fucking much, drank way way too much, now it's 4am music still going and I've just headed up to the house owners bedroom to attempt to cry myself to sleep as I can't stand the site of others cuddling each other, fucking kills me. God I hate being so so lonely and I just want to kill myself so badly. I had a meltdown Infront of like 20 people basically telling them I want to die over and over :( things are never going to get better for me, I want to stab myself so so badly.
I'm sorry for venting I know I'm a pain in the ass in which nobody cares about, guess that's why I'm going to die alone.. fuck my existence ;( I hate my life"
"This has probably been the worst year of my life, and this will definitely be the loneliest New Years I’ve ever had. I’m so alone, and frankly I deserve it. To put it eloquently, I suck. I don’t deserve kindness or love, but I crave connection so much. Oh well. Can’t believe I’m going to be alive in 2020, it feels very surreal. Here’s to an uncertain and probably very negative future for humanity. And for me in particular. 

To all you beautiful people out there struggling, you deserve to have a great future. I believe in you and wish the best for all of you. But I’m an asshole and I deserve to keep sinking."
Is there anything I should do to make sure my pets don't die. It might be a few months before someone notices I'm dead.
"I wanted things to get better. They didn't.

I'm ending my life at midnight. One more gunshot that'll go unnoticed. I don't want to wake up another day knowing this is my life. I have no other options left.

I'm just so done with waiting and knowing I'll never have the life I am worthy of."
"Hello all, I usually don’t come around this reddit that often. Although, for tonight especially, I thought about the time I felt hopeless, depressed, and somewhat suicidal. Just realize this. Tonight is not the night to end. I am too lonely on this New Years Eve where everyone else is having fun but I am not. But that doesn’t make me sad, it’s just who I am as a person to feel independent like this. 

But on this night I want you to do one thing for me. Starting tomorrow, start your self adventure to find your purpose in life. We are all in this together and we all support you no matter how long it takes you to find it. Whatever your purpose may be, I am sure you will be fantastic at it!"
Life is just pain. It's pointless to live in this hell. I don't have hope anymore.
There is so much going on and I can’t talk to my friends because I know that I’m going to start screaming at them. One minute I’m mad and the next I feel guilty for being mad. Last night I had a call with one of my friends and I started screaming one of my biggest problems at them that I’ve kept a secret for awhile because I lost control. I just really need to talk, I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it through the night.
It's a shitty time of year and I'm only feeling worse. I decided it was finally time to talk to my mother about my not wanting to live anymore, because why not. Well after I told her, she called me childish for it and for an hour she put me down and berated me, making me feel worse and worse. My mother, the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally and always be there. What the hell did I do to deserve this, what Gods did I piss off this time. I don't understand anymore.

For research purposes only haha
Should have just gone through with it last time. I pray that when I fall asleep, I never wake up again.
"Hello friends,

I have an amazing life: a wealthy family, a place in a top university, friends, a loving boyfriend, but I can’t stop thinking about killing myself.

In these past months that I have been dating this boy, I have discovered myself extremely jealous. That feeling has been haunting me and I fear it will accompany me throughout my entire life. I am afraid of feeling it whenever I fall in love, but I just can’t live always being jealous of the person I love, crying myself to sleep, not enjoying my days, not being able to pay attention, not having the will to do anything because of how jealous I am. I’ve tried therapy for a few months, but I feel as bad as ever.

I have decided then that taking my life could be an easy way to make this feeling go away. But I fear feeling pain and disappointing my family. Any suggestions both on how not feel pain and how to make it easy for my family?

Thank you"

"Do I go down screaming
As I fall into the abyss? 
Those four seconds between life and death. 
Will I mutter a prayer of silent relief? 
As I crash into the pacific I’ll become a statistic. 
And no one will know whether I fell down screaming, or if my departure was washed with peace. 














I’m fine. Not suicidal. No need to worry. It’s just a poem."
what the title says

"I’ve been friends with this girl for nearly four years now... she’s been my best friend through shit and shit. We’ve shared secrets and deep personal shit. 

But recently, she’s drifted and become more of my BROTHER’s friend than mine. Every SINGLE time we hang out, she’s on her phone or talking with my brother.

I’ve had a pretty shitty day at work. I come home and find out my brother invited this girl and some other of MY friends over, while I was at fucking work. So they hang out and shit and have a good time, leaving me behind.

But that’s not what makes me wanna kill myself right now. My friend is an AMAZING artist. and she drew all her friends holding hands with words that say 2020...
My brother
His girlfriend (one of my best friends)
Herself
My other friend.

And I’m not there...
She has been my only true friend this year. I’ve lost so many when I came out as trans and she was one of the only ones to accept me. Well, not anymore I guess...
I just don’t feel like 2020 is worth it. I’ve lost everyone who I care about, either by moving or coming out. And now I find out that my only friend doesn’t think I’m good enough to be her friend anymore.

I want to fucking kill myself so bad"
"I lost a lot in 2019.
The girl whom I thought I would marry;
Trust I thought could never be broken;
Friendships I thought would last;
Stability I thought would hold;
My grandma, who I confided in more than anyone else;
And, honestly, the will to keep going.
I hope 2020 is good, because I don’t know if I will get to see 2021.

Anyway, I hope 2020 treats you better than 2019."
"It doesn't. It only gets better if you find the motivation to do something about it, and *succeed* at it.

I've tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, ***AND FUCKING TRIED***. And I'm just in a worse off place than I was 6 years ago. Every single fucking time I've even attempted at bettering my self I've fallen further from where I even started. 

Thought it'd get better when I got out of middle School. It didn't.
Thought it'd get better when I got out of high school. It didn't.
Thought it'd get better when I was in college. It didn't.
Thought it'd get better when I dropped out and got a real job. It didn't.

And in between each of those, I've still failed on every little thing trying to better myself and find meaning along the way. Less friends, worse social skills, less in shape, no hobbies, not 1 single lasting meaningful relationship. 

I've seen professionals, the meds made me worse, and the therapists were baffled as to why I hadn't killed myself yet. 

Another wasted year gone, and another one to go I guess. 

Happy New Year. 
-Brian"
The year did not kill you. Fuck the devil and his darkness. Celebrate for five minutes or until tomorrow. You can always kill yourself later. I’ve tried, believe me. But fuck it. A new decade and some kind of goddamn hope. Take a deep breath. It’s more than Shakespeare, Moses, or Helen of Troy get today. In this regard, we win.
and I don't know if I can take any more
I think if I tried to attempt, I’d fail again and then I’d feel even worse... if that’s even possible
Yep, totally plan on being here in 2021.... /s
Last few minutes of the year and it's all I can think about. I'll probably still wake up tomorrow, more unhappy and depressed and alone than ever. I've given up to the point that it's still just a matter of time, just more time.
That’s what he called me. And you know what? He’s right. I’m worthless and I don’t matter to anyone.
"Cross posting to relevant subreddits as I really need advice here, Apologies in advance for grammar mistakes and as this will be long and I'm on mobile, I am typing this out in bed while this is still fresh in my mind, also happy new year.

*TLDR: among another stressful life events, my friends mum has been recently diagnosed with potentially fatal cancer, my friend is not coping and tonight she broke down and openly talked about wanting to die and also talked about how and when she would do it. I am scared for my friend and need some advice on the next steps would appreciate any and all support on this. I live in Northern Ireland UK.*

So some background about my friend which is relevant to this. She is in a relationship with my brother and is like a sister to me. Her mum has recently been diagnosed with stage 2 pancreatic cancer, as far as we know it has not spread to other systems and she is receiving chemo at present, we are waiting to find out how effective the chemo will be to determine whether she may be a candidate for the very life  threatening surgery to remove as much cancer as possible. Going by the little info the doctors have said the prognosis is not going to be great and we are looking at months to years if we are lucky and perhaps months or weeks if not, her mum may day on the operation table or soon after due to high risk complications of the surgery. 


During a small new years eve get together my friend was hosting she suddenly got up and was absent for quite some time. I went to check on her and found her with her boyfriend(my brother) very upset and sobbing/struggling to breathe. When I asked her what was wrong she said several times how she wanted to die, wanted to kill herself, didn't want to be in this planet anymore. I am a newly qualified nurse so when I heard my friend talk about killing herself (which I have never heard her say before) I naturally tried to be an active listener, ask her what was getting to her and making her want to die etc. I also had to ask if she had any Intentions of harming herself in this moment or later on, and asked if she had made any sort of plans or how she would try it if she felt like it.

She told me that she would slit her wrists with a knife as soon as her mum was dead and that there wouldn't be a reason for her to exist anymore after that. I listened to her, hugged her and I didnt try to fight her suicidal thoughts  or be judgemental I just made sure that she heard me when I told her that I loved her very much and that so many people In her life would be devastated if she wasn't here anymore.

She mentioned other things too, feeling pressure from multiple places and people, work, friendship issues and feeling lack of family support. I mentioned perhaps she reach out to HR in her job and let them know that she is not coping and perhaps be granted some leave of absence for mental health reasons. I broached the issue of seeking professional mental health support through the health service  as she was clearly struggling to cope, but she says she's already on some sort of 9 month waiting list. (I'm living in Northern Ireland and the mental health services are notoriously difficult to be seen by even when you are in crisis and suicidal.) 

I suggested her opening up to a counsellor, or talk to her doctor about her depressive feelings in hopes a medical professional may signpost her to some real help or perhaps try medications that might help. She is not the type to open up to medical staff, in the past she has been seen by counsellors for anxiety and she was not honest during the initial session and pretended that she didn't have a problem and did not return for a second.

After her going through cycles of being more normal, apologising and then getting so upset she could barely breathe and talking about wanting to die again, she eventually went to sleep. And now I'm lying here not knowing what to do but knowing that there is something seriously wrong and that my friend needs help.

What do i do reddit? Do I broach this subject with her tomorrow when she's sober? Do I wait for her to talk to me? Where can I go to get some real genuine mental health support for my friend(live in Northern Ireland UK) ? Do I get family members involved or try to get other friends to reach out and let her know she is loved? How do I let my friend feel safe enough to open up to me and tell me what she needs from me? Being a nurse I would feel icky sharing some of the details of this with people who aren't medical professionals able to help and to be honest I feel torn between respecting my friends wishes to remain silent and being vocal to others who may be able to help. All I know is something needs to be done ASAP because I can see my friend drowning in front of my eyes and I can see she needs help. I'm scared I will lose her someday soon."
"29. The only thing I can say for 2019 is I didn’t kill myself. Woo hoo? But I am so freaking depressed right now. The last few days. Idk. 

Oh well. Cheers, and maybe I’ll survive this next decade too. Maybe I’ll find joy. Maybe our insurance will finally cover mental health and I’ll be able to get some fucking help. The future is open."
thats basically it. gonna spend the next decade like i did this decade, being a fat friendless waste of oxygen. happy new year, i will live maybe two days of it.

Nothing in my life has ever, ever worked out. Every single thing I have ever done to try and find joy or reason or anything - it’s all failed. I didn’t get into certain clubs in school I didn’t look a certain way, and now that I’m attractive it still feels like it’s not enough. The HS club I was in I never did well, no matter how much I could’ve wanted it. After HS I started college and the college life was so fun and amazing and I met my closest friends. I had to stop college after one semester because we couldn’t afford it and there’s no way we ever will. No place I lived after college worked out, recently I moved back to the town to be with my friends and I signed a lease I couldn’t pay and still can’t pay and don’t know what to do. It’s my fault, I know but the impulsiveness and the need to do better got ahead of my logical side. Some of this sounds like it isn’t a big deal but there’s more to everything I can’t even go through right now, everything just hurts every part of my life hurts me and as I’m sitting here alone with nothing to do on NYE and all my friends enjoying their lives and bettering themselves it’s 5 days before my 21st birthday as well but I don’t know if I’m going to make it there. I don’t think I can continue to keep disappointing myself and those around me. To keep being a failure and having nothing together to live in anxiety and with my mental issues that stop me from being a good or better person. I’m so lost and I’m really hurt but I don’t want to be here anymore I want to move on
I am in significant pain due to a small operation.  This comes on top of chronic depression and other recent health related events.  My SO has been brilliant, although we are in a LDR.  For me, it would be easier to just give up, for him I feel like I need to survive.   He's more important to me than I am.  I need you to keep me alive.
My girlfriend and I got into a small arguement that turned into a big arguement that ended with a fuck you and go find someone else and a long paragraph telling me how terrible I am. I don’t hate my job. I hate living. It’s exhausting and I feel awful. I’ve never had the balls to kill myself. I don’t have many friends. They wouldn’t miss me and would be okay without me. At least I’d hope they would. It would hurt my parents. I wouldn’t want my now ex girlfriend to feel bad about it or it to haunt her. It’s not her fault. She’s just come to help me realize everything wrong with me. Suicide is awful but I’m so tired of living like this. I don’t have access to any firearms. I’m too scared to overdose. Im too scared for it to hurt so I’m not going to cut myself. I see a therapist. I have a job. I just started college and I bought a new car. I’ve got two cats. I know they’d miss me. My cats and my parents are really what’s stopping me right now. I didn’t know where else to type this. Happy new year everyone

Congrats me ig
I think I'm on my way out. I've dealt with it all for so long and more just keeps adding up. I wish i had a father when I was younger. I wish I could eat without throwing it all up. I wish those who said they loved me never left or truly did to begin with. I wish the only person who i could talk to wouldn't be abusive to me so I could talk to them. I wish I could end it all. I wish I wasn't depressed since i was 12. I just want to sleep but I don't want to wake up. I wish i never existed in the first place. Why must my life be like this? I'm probably just the Devil's form of laughs and entertainment. Pick a thousand names you're still nobody at all. I'm always going to fall on the sharpest sword, always going to sleep on the hardest floor. I just wish everyone a great 2020 because i know if mine is anything remotely similar to my 2019 I won't make it to 2021. Those who claimed loved me have left, those who said we were friends don't talk to me. I tried to tell them all i wasn't right, they knew it going in, so why couldn't they just shut the fuck up if they wanted to be a friend. I don't want to stretch people more than they extend, I don't want to spit in the and that they lend. I guess I'm still sober on occasion and that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation. This post is scattered and all over the place i know that and I'm sorry. It's just everyone is out enjoying themselves and I just want to die.
"This was going to be the start of the brand new year: An end.
I am alone for New Years. I’m still alone, but I gave myself something to wait for. A delivery driver.
You see, I kept thinking that if someone were to walk in on that, doing that to a complete stranger was fucked up.
The only place open wasn’t my food preference, but I picked it...
And the food is really good.
Like I’m surprised as fuck good.
So, I can’t recommend enough placing a delivery. Thank you to the driver who didn’t watch the ball drop to get me my food."
"Happy new year everyone. I hope everyone had a better evening/night than me.


I want to give a bit of background: I am recently out of a relationship. My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of November. I thougt I was okay until this evening. My thoughts about her brakeup until now have been along the lines of; She is young and doesn't know what she wants yet. And she wants to experiment. I thought give it time and she will come to her senses. We had a very solid relationship, very few fights and we talked about everything that bothered us.


A friend of mine (keep in mind that I live in a very small community where everyone knows everyone) told me that he knew that my ex had had sex with someone else. This hit me very hard. Probably a harsh wakeup call: My ex does not want me, and as looking for something better.


Since the breakup she has been adamant that we keep contact. Really wants us to be friends. We have hooked up once since the breakup. I asked if she wants us to be fwb. She initially said yes but recently wanted to break off that part of the relationship aswell. This makes me feel even less wanted. I feel replaced somehow ( By the guy who supposedly banged her ). I know that a fwb relationship is in no way exclusive. But I guess that my thoughts made me hopeful. 


My realization is that it does not matter if what my friend said is true. The mere thought of my ex being with someone else just crushes me to the core. I honestly thought this was the girl I would spent my life with. She even said so herself. Out of nowhere she wants me to be just a friend.


I am not sure what the point of this post is. I guess I am just looking to vent. I for sire don't want sympathy points. Even if that is contradictory to the sub I am posting on since I really feel like there is no point in going on. I thought this girl was my future but now it is all gone.


I am sorry if there are typos and the like. I have been drinking quite a lot. I have tried proofreading a few times."
I vow to commit suicide if I don't become a professional musician. I don't care about a single thing in life other than making music. Everything is just noise and pollution and sorrow. If I am going to kill myself I am going down knowing I  did my BEST to fulfill my life purpose. Thats all.
"as soon as my parents and sister are asleep, i'm going to drink perfume and hopefully end it. if thats not enough, i have lotion, too. and shampoo. i hope it works.
if i make it through, my parents would need to pay again for me to be hospitalized. i don't want them to waste anymore money on me."
"I said the same thing last decade. Not much has changed. I've put a lot of thought into this decision over the years. 

I think some people just get dealt a bad hand. Or maybe I wasn't meant to be happy, I'm incompatible with living. I wasted too much time waiting on a happy ending but at this point I'm too broken to fix. I don't even want to be happy anymore, I don't want an afterlife or anything either. I've had enough. Everyone says shit like ""you don't want to be dead you just wanna stop hurting,"" and I'm past that. I do want to be dead. It's not getting better.

I don't know how many times I've written this kind of note. I've been depressed a long time and it's not going to get better. I will never be good enough. I'm worthless. I screwed up too badly in life, shit's not going to get better. Trust me. Don't argue with me on this. Everyone is going to be better without me. Already tried and true, I drag everyone down. Their lives will be so much happier without me. 

I don't know how to describe how I feel about myself. Hate isn't a strong enough word. I'm tired of waking up every day feeling empty. I can't convince myself that I'm not worthless or deserving of any kind of love. I feel like I don't deserve anything nice. Or even something as basic as food. Everyone needs food but I can't bring myself to eat anymore. I don't see the point in anything. I don't see any hope. No matter how much I've improved, a lot of the shit I got into is unforgivable. I can't live with myself. I don't see a way out. I don't know when I'm going to kill myself. I just know it's going to happen."
"It’s the first New Years I’ve ever really wanted to kill myself.

I want to go through with it so unbelievably bad.
My depression gets worse everyday and I just can’t take it anymore.

I hope everyone is having a better New Years."
"My gf broke up with me because she has family trouble and doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. This upset me because i already have very little confidence. Then out of the blue my stepdad texted me: https://imgur.com/a/wOhp2dn and he was just an absolute piece of shit. This all came together on the same night and I’m considering trying to end it again and it’s so hard to fight the feeling because I just want to give up. I’m worthless and can’t even help out my own GF.

I plan on giving back a scrunch she gave me tomorrow but after that i plan on ending it but i might change my mind after sleeping"
"I've really messed up my life recently.

I'm sorry this is so long. 

Earlier this year, I got kicked out of my home. It was actually my friend's birthday. A week before that, my mom and I got into an argument and it ended with her telling me how much she hates me and everyone hates me and no one will ever love me. I've been waiting for her confession for a long time, as I've felt that she hasn't liked me for a long time. After that incident, I started kinda just doing whatever I wanted. I thought to myself, ""if she hates me, then I'll do whatever I feel like doing now. She can't hate me any more then she already does."" So a week later my friend invited me to go ice skating with her and our other friends. Afterwards we all decided to go to a friend's house to hang out for a while longer. I tried to call her to let her know but she didn't answer. Later at our friends house, my mom texts me that I better find somewhere to stay because ""I'm not coming home"". I was 13 at the time. My friend who's birthday it was said I could stay with them, so I told my mom that. And she told me to come home or she would call the cops and file a missing persons report. I then went home and as soon as my friend pulled away, my mom starts yelling at me and trying to hit me so I hold her back (she's pretty small so it was easy). I  decided I'm gonna call the cops and she tries to take the phone out of my hand and then my nana comes in and sides with my mom. So now there both trying to get the phone out from my hand. They get it and then my mom decides she's gonna call the cops. The cops show up and talk to me and everyone else there, and then one of the officers ask if there's anything they can do so I ask to go my friend's house and she tells me she can't do that without my mom's permission. My mom agrees to let me stay for the night. Later that week, I stay at my friend's for the weekend and then stay home for the next. After that I officially moved in with my friend. This happened March 14th.

We end up dating for a month while I'm there. This was something I was waiting for for a long time because I've always liked her. When we started dating I started to become toxic. Always trying to convince her to stay when she would want to leave, asking about who's she's talking to and what about, pretty much monitoring everything. And at some points, I would do everything I could to make her stay, even if that ended with her crying. God, I feel terrible just thinking about it. I never realized I was the way I was until recently, when it's too late to change anything. Eventually we break up. And things fluctuated between bad and good. I kept thinking I could fix us and we could get back together. I only got worse.

On Friday, December 13th, we got in an argument as soon as we got home. She wanted to leave because her cousin said she needed her. I threw a hissy fit at the idea and we argued. It got to the point where I ended up putting my hands on her. I held her in her room so she wouldn't leave. Wedged myself in front of the door. She would try to yell and I would put my hand over her mouth. Not that this excuses it, but I was just scared of someone hearing because I didn't want to get kicked out. I've already been warned a few times about my behavior, so every time we argued I would get scared that if someone heard, I would be kicked out. Anyways, things got physical. There wasn't any punching, but still physical. She eventually left, and later her mom contacted mine and my mom came and picked me up. I've been living with my mom since. I'm back at square fucking one. I went to live with my friend to escape my mom, and know I'm back here.

My friend doesn't want to talk to me at all anymore, and I'm not welcomed at her home anymore. She's blocked me on everything. She wouldn't talk to me at school either. I didn't realize it before, but I more then just loved her. I was in love with her. If that makes sense. And now she doesn't want anything to do with me. She said she just wants to be strangers again. We took a dog in from the streets together, and he doesn't know I'm not coming back. He's 13 and has heart problems. I told him I would be there with him for everything, including his death because I feel like he could die any day now. Now I'm never going to see him again. And I've fucked things with a girl I loved so much. I have no friends. The only family I have left is my mom and she hasn't changed at all. I don't want to be like my mom. I feel like everything is a dream, and I just want to wake up. And that when I will, it will be that Friday morning. And I'm gonna start fixing myself from that day on. I don't want to lose her. I feel like if I kill myself, I'll wake up that Friday morning. I plan on writing my suicide notes tonight. I fucked up things because I was scared she would leave for good. And know I've made her leave.

I already know how I'm going to kill myself. I plan to plunge a knife through my heart. I've fucked up so bad. I have no one left. God, I miss my dog. I miss my friend. I miss her family. I miss my cats. I miss them all."
I hate this feeling of loneliness and worthlessness.  It makes me realise im just going to end up killing myself sooner or later. I cant handle this loneliness. I just want to be cuddled. At least a hug from a friend but even something like that i cant get. Im so weak and I hate myself.
I've decided to, no one can take that away from me.  Don't let people force to live, it is not worth it.