You'll never go to heaven
in a baked bean tin
'Cos a baked bean tin,
's got baked beans in .
I ain't gonna grieve my Lord no more
I ain't gonna grieve my Lord,
I ain't gonna grieve my Lord,
I ain't gonna grieve,
My Lord no more
You'll never go to heaven in a bottle of gin
'Cos the Lord don't let no spirits in
You'll never go to heaven in a violin
'Cos the Lord don't let no fidlers in
You'll never go to heaven in Akela's Car
'Cos Akela's Car won't get that far.
You'll never go to heaven in Akela's Bra
'Cos Akela's Bra won't stretch that far.
You'll never go to heaven on Akela's Knee
'Cos Akela's Knee's too knobbly
You'll never go to heaven in a biscuit tin
'Cos a biscuit tin's got biscuits in.
You'll never go to heaven in a limosine
'Cos the Lord ain't got no gasoline.
You'll never go to heaven in the QE2
'Cos the QE2 ain't got no loo.
You'll never go to heaven in a jumbo jet
'Cos the Lord ain't got, no runways yet.
You'll never go to heaven with a fat Girl Guide
'Cos the pearly gates, just ain't that wide.
If I get to heaven, before you do
I'll dig a hole, and spit on you.
If you get to heaven, before I do
Just dig a hole, and pull me through.